In all honesty I’m just tired. It seems like everything just keeps happening all at once, and the worst part, I feel so alone! I can’t even tell you how nice it would be to have a friend right now…

I’m not sure when everything just got up rooted in our life, but I’m thinking it began when my husband started going back to school. We only made that move simply because it was a door that was opened for us so we went through. We knew it would be difficult, but we did it anyways in hopes that we were being obedient to God.

Well now the past 4 months has happened, and he will be done with school. I can’t even tell you how things have just fallen through, it really feels like the floor is collapsing beneath us. I can only wonder what God is up to.

I am really tired though. I’m tired of the lack of support I have. I’m tired of the people he works for showing poor leadership skills. They are messing with people’s lives and families, and they don’t even care.

What does God want from me? Does He want me to forgive? Be patient? Work more? Be still….?

I don’t know what God wants. I wish I knew why all this was happening. I hate not knowing. Maybe it has something to do with control, but I do trust God and that’s one thing that has been reinforced through all of this. I even trust my husband a little more too…which is a breakthrough.

I mean I get it, I can’t control everything. Actually I control NOTHING, I get it. Why does God insist on proving it…in every area of my life?

My plans are like nothing, ha! Just so ridiculous, I hate planning anymore. Because when I plan, hope, and wish it never goes the way I want it to, and that makes me so upset.

I’m just tired. I feel weakened, and I just want to sit here and just let life happen to me. I can’t fight it anymore. Whatever happens, happens, I guess…

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Lately I have been feeling so inadequate, or even overwhelmed with the simple act of serving God.

Doors have been opening, and I just went through them knowing that what I would be asked to do isn’t something I am necessarily “good at.” But I went anyways because it was an invitation that seemed out of the blue and I had been praying for God to open up the doors.

Also I just started a Bible Study at Church, and honestly the book we are reading is a bit overwhleming. Not only do I not have a whole lot of time to add another Bible Study to my list of things to do, I don’t really care for the book. It’s different, and honestly it’s difficult for me to really relate to the style of writing. I think the book is definitely speaking truth, but in a different way than I would approach it. So it’s hard to relate to the book. But I committed myself to it because I really want to be apart of a Bible Study group at my Church.

I’ve thought about quitting both of these opportunities to serve the Lord and grow in my relationship with the Lord. It just seems so overwhelming, and I don’t really feel like *I* am gaining anything from them.

However I am at a point where I don’t think I’m trying to force anything when it comes to serving God, I’m trying to wait and see. I want to be still and serve without wishing to receive anything in return. If this is what God has brought to me, if this is the door He has opened, I want to go through it with an open heart.

But I have to be honest, there are moments when I have no idea what God is up to, and I just show up. I show up because I know God wants me there, but I don’t know why He wants me there. I am at a point where I want to serve God even if I am scared, or don’t feel like serving Him. This is when I need to just go because God says go. This is where my life is at right now. I go because He says go.

• I live because He says live.
• I serve because He says serve.
• I write because He says write.
• I speak because He says speak.
• I shut up because He says be quiet.
• I say sorry because He says I should.
• I forgive because He says He can’t hear my prayers through my un-forgiveness.

I do because He says do. I show up because that’s where He wants me to go. Even thought my heart may not be in it, and deep down inside I might be wishing I could be somewhere else, I show up. Sometimes obedience requires you to just show up, and then everything else will flow from that obedience. Obedience doesn’t always feel good, nor do we desire to obey all the time, but God promises to bless those who obey Him.

So my advice to anyone who asks, would be: If you feel like God is calling you to do something, and you don’t really feel like doing it. Just do it. Just show up. Even if your heart’s not in it, God will see that you have put your “self” aside and obeyed Him simply because you love Him.

I think showing up is certainly an act of love towards God.

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