I used to be a kind, caring, generous person. It was to the point that I was so pleased at how God truly had worked in my life.
But lately I have noticed a ton of selfishness, bitterness, hurt, and even a bit of depression. It has brought me so much confusion and not to mention pain. I can spend hours thinking about how this person hurt me, so I’m not going to help them. Or how I feel used so I’m going to hold back and not give anymore. Or I can truly let my bitterness keep me from supporting God’s will.
There have even been times lately where I have almost taken my hurt and used it to try and destroy God’s plan. Did I know it was God’s plan? No. Did I know that I was only acting out of hurt and pain? No. But I was.
I don’t like where my heart has been lately. It’s not me.
I have had to give up a lot of control lately, and maybe that’s where the problem all stemmed from. For the past year I have been feeling so fearful that I have been trying to control everything around me. How foolish of me to actually think I have that kind of power. But part of me really truly believed I could prevent certain things from happening, or that I could pray it away. I thought it was my job to make sure everyone stayed in line with what God wanted for their life, as if I actually knew what that was.
Thinking back on what may have caused this change in me, it’s really just an entire series of events that have left me feeling vulnerable that has left me with the bitterness and the urge to try and control everything. I’ve come back to the old me that tries to control everyone and everything because I’m simply afraid of losing control.
I am so thankful that I have a husband who puts up with me. Someone on Facebook wrote that the selfish ones, and those who are always caught up in the drama are the ones who get left alone. I thought I was past all that, but lately I have definitely been selfish and caught up in the drama made up in my mind….maybe that’s why I feel alone sometimes?
Whatever it is, I have found that giving up all control is the answer. If I don’t have something positive to say then I’m just going to take it to the Lord. I am going to make more of an effort to trust God, and trust my husband as the leader of this family, to guide us and show us His true will for our lives.
I need to do this. My heart is just not in the right place right now. I just pray for the Lord to intervene and give me my true heart back, and save me once again from the bitterness, anger, and fear I hold inside. – Amen.
Subscribe in a reader | Subscribe by Email | Follow Me on Twitter