Just the other day the sting of wanting another baby was so very real. To be honest my heart is over the waiting, but with every step we take to move forward the waiting will always be a factor.

As for my husband being on board with the whole idea of a baby, his words are “God is moving us in that direction.” We recently put the cost of a vasectomy reversal on the “financial plan” which probably won’t happen any time soon. But at least it’s on the financial plan, which is a HUGE step further in the right direction. But it’s more waiting.

Once the vasectomy reversal is done, there will be more waiting, I am sure. All my online research is saying expect 1-2 years before everything is a GO. Well I know God is bigger than that and it will all happen according to HIS timing, but again waiting. Whether it happens in 1 month or 2 years, I will still have to wait, not knowing WHEN it’s going to happen. Then when it does happen, guess what, more waiting! I mean it takes 9 LONG MONTHS to grow a human being!

I’m not really sure why God gave me the heart and desire to go for this. I feel like it has been me fighting for another baby every step of the way. So many times I have wanted to give up, but I couldn’t. How can you give up fighting for another baby, especially if that’s what God has placed on your heart to do?

People deal with this every day. I guess I’m just not use to this. It still stings. But I will say this, a year ago I thought we were being shoved off a cliff and the possibility of having another child would NEVER happen. Well one year later and somehow God turned that cliff into a sky dive towards His plan and purpose, making it even more possible than it ever would have been before to have another baby. He did this in ONE year. I can only imagine what He will do with this next year.

One thing is for sure, He is certainly moving us in that direction, and I’m starting to get impatient. This usually happens when we are oh, so close to what He has planned for us.

I was reading one of my personal journals awhile back, and I found the entry where I wrote “I think God wants us to have another baby.” That was 3 years ago…

The “baby” hasn’t gone away. In all honesty I feel like EVERYTHING we are going through right now is due to this “baby!”

Recently I started a Bible Study at my church and my prayer before the Bible Study was that mine and my husbands heart become aligned with God’s will for our life, and in particular, God’s will about “the baby.”

For so long my prayers have consisted of “Change my husbands heart.” or “God change MY HEART!” But neither of those prayers have been answered. Then my husband has been praying for his heart to change…I really just think we need to align our hearts with God’s will. I believe all of our hearts are in a different place right now.

But the desire to have another baby has not gone away, but I will say my desire for my husband and I to be on the same page as God is greater than the desire to have another baby. I still feel like it’s God’s will and I will learn to trust in Him.

But the last few weeks have been difficult. It’s been filled with a lot of trials. I refuse to blame anyone right now. It’s not what God would want. I think we all need to take ownership in the part we play in every situation.

But today has been difficult…and yet full of understanding and revelation from God. My prayer for now is to just know HOW to be the wife God wants me to be. There is certainly a change going on in our life, and even though change is difficult, it ALWAYS brings me hope.

However it was very good news to me. Though the events we having coming up over the next year, even if his thoughts do change, the money situation will be yet another obstacle to overcome. Unless God wants to work a miracle and over rule the vasectomy we chose to have four years ago.

My husband also said that he is confident that if another baby is truly God’s will then it will happen. I agree.

I still have hope for another baby. I still feel overwhelmingly that it is God’s will for us to have more children. I am also very hopeful that God will open doors, change hearts, and maybe even work a miracle or two.

Although I am confused by our financial “crisis” coming up in 2010, which will include a HUGE pay cut at hubby’s work and should last about a year. So I am confused about that, but I am choosing to believe and trust God.

It’s wrong for me to think like this, I know. I am blessed to have 3 beautiful, happy, and HEALTHY children. I should just automatically be happy for them, but honestly it takes a minute for the sting to go away before I can truly be happy for them, and once I do get there I am totally and completely happy for them.

Last night hubby and I had another talk about another baby. One thing he said that is so true – “Our goal isn’t to have another baby.” He’s right. Our goal isn’t to have another baby, our goal is to live a life for God, have a healthy marriage, raise godly children, and serve the Lord with our lives. Another baby will just be another blessing.

So that’s what I’m working towards. I just wish I didn’t think about having a baby it so much….