For as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with how a pen feels against the paper as I write. I remember looking for a reason to write. I would write notes to my friends in school, or letters to relatives who lived far away. Or I would find a to do list to write out, and I would rewrite it until it was perfect.

I am careful about the kind of paper I buy, and I do have a favorite pen which I feel a bit giddy inside whenever I purchase a new package.

Even though I still love writing out my to do list countless times until it looks nice on the paper (no mistakes, and is has to be organized.) I have found my writing has become a lot more meaningful.

About four years ago my time with my pen and paper became my special moment with God. Thoughts would flow through my mind and onto my paper. It was how I processed what I was learning in the Bible, and I was learning a lot considering I was a fairly new follower.

Recently my desire, or urge, to do this type of learning or writing has come back. I look forward to the time I have with my pen, paper, and my Bible. It feels good to just have those moments where it’s just me, God, and my two friends (pen and paper.)

I don’t know, I think back to my past and think about how I have always had this built in passion for writing and for actually making a life of purpose. It just makes me think how God has always been at work in my life and He has always had a plan for me.

If you don’t believe in God, please just know this…in your heart I know you can feel a sense of purpose, like your life is meant for something bigger. Well guess what, it is. And the One who gave you this life, and your purpose is there with you even if you don’t believe in Him.

Like my 5 year old tells me: “God believes in you.”

You may not believe in God, but He does believe in you and He wants you to believe in Him. Finding your purpose in Christ will be the only purpose that fulfills that longing in you heart, and it will turn your healthy obsessions into something purposeful!

However for some reason I can see the open doors but I’m not motivated to walk through them. It’s like God is literally showing us the way to go, and yet I am not willing to go there. I can see Him waiting for me and all I can do is look at Him and say “I’m scared.” or “I don’t FEEL like it.”

Can you imagine saying these things to GOD?

I honestly feel like such an idiot. How can I do this. I know that God understands though. He has to understand. Some of the things He wants us to do IS scary, and exhausting, not to mention stressful.

They require some sacrifice too, which I have been struggling with. I’m beginning to realize that this life isn’t just about my enjoyment, and in order to follow God and His will for my life it requires a great deal of sacrifice on my part. It’s called taking up your cross.

You know I often complain that there are too many “no’s” in the Christian faith and I DO struggle with this, but you know when I sit back and think about Jesus and the sacrifice He made for ME and YOU I just simply sit back and shut my mouth.

I don’t think God is trying to throw anything in my face, and I don’t feel like He is annoyed with me. Honestly I see a God who is a bit discouraged. Of course He can see all the beauty that will come from our sacrifice, and I can see it a bit too, however oddly enough that doesn’t motivate me.

What motivates me?

The desire to obey the Lord. I know what life holds when we are disobedient to God and His word. I know what my life was before I knew the Lord. All the blessings in the world will never motivate me more than the sheer desire to serve Him, and the fear I have in the Lord.

Yes, I do fear the Lord and I don’t think that is a bad thing. He is GOD. He can, and one day will, destroy this world for HIS glory and to further HIS kingdom. We can deny this all we want. But GOD is GOD, and I do fear Him. But I also know out of my fear comes obedience, and God offers MANY promises to those who fear Him – in other words those who RESPECT Him and OBEY His word.

I’m not motivated by shiny things, because the shiny things will one day go away. But I am motivated by my fear in the Lord. I respect Him and want to show my respect by obeying His word and moving forward, with His guidance, to the place He wants me to be.

What motivates you?

Not just with me, but with my husband as well. Sometimes I wish I just knew what to do, but that’s not making itself apparent at all. I’m not really sure what God wants us to do.

I know that this year is definitely a year of changes. But I really think it is wearing down on my husband for sure. He has just been very stressed out, angry, discontent, and so much more. Which worries me because it is NOT like him.

If you met anyone who actually knew my husband then they would tell you he is laid back, patient, and just very mellow.

Part of me welcomes this new side of my husband, simply because his mellow side almost feels like apathy. It almost felt like he didn’t ever really care.

But now it does. He feels engaged with our life and he is taking more responsibility in leading this family. Which is what God wants, and I know that it needs to happen. It’s been a huge focus of ours, my husband taking up the leadership role in our home. It hasn’t been easy, especially for me. It requires a lot of trust on my part, and a lot of work and dedication on my husbands part.

He is still growing in His walk with the Lord ( who isn’t?) and sometimes he just doesn’t know WHAT to do.

Part of me thinks this is why I just don’t know what to do….I think it’s just time for my HUSBAND to seek out God’s Will, not me. I have ideas, and I make suggestions. But ultimately it’s my husband who needs to see what God wants for this family.

This is difficult for me. I’m just so use to receiving the revelation from God and moving our family in that direction. I’m finding it hard to just REST in my role as wife and mother. Wife being I am my husbands helper. Mother being I am my children’s teacher and nurturer.

On Monday I found peace in this role. Ever since then I have been trying to get it back.

I have so many ideas and a heart to further God’s Kingdom beyond my home. However I am not sure if it is God’s plans for me to do so. Life is just messy right now. We don’t really have a stable ground (and by stable ground I mean MONEY!) to stand on. Maybe that’s what the Bible is talking about when it comes to the foundation of sand. I guess money really isn’t a real foundation you can every really rely on.

Not really sure where any of this is going. But there has been a real problem here lately, and I’m having a very difficult time figuring out what that problem is!

It used to feel so good when we were blessed and I knew the blessing was there to stay. Or when I just KNEW what God had planned for our family, and it felt even better when I could see God moving us in that direction.

I use to be able to count on God’s blessings, and guidance. But after my husband found out information about his big pay cut this year, my confidence has truly been shaken.

I crave to hear His voice once again and know that it’s HIM. I want to know “What next God?” I want to be confident in Him again. I want to live my life like I use to, fearless of whatever comes my way, and confident in the Lord’s gifts and promises.

How can we go through this life without ever really having our confidence shaken? We know that trials will come our way. I guess my confidence has been shaken because everything I thought I had known to be unfolding didn’t seem possible with all that was happening in my life.

But then I sit here and see – it’s all moving forward. A lot of the things I wanted to do, but was afraid to do after the pay cut, we are still doing. But I still feel like one of the biggest moves for us is being threatened around every corner. It has been since last year. So many times I thought, this is it, it may NEVER happen.

I had feared that a new baby would never happen because of my husband’s wall he had up towards the whole situation, now that wall is down. I had feared that a new baby would never happen because of my personal health problems, but that was found to be a false alarm. I had feared that a new baby would never happen because of money, this huge set back we faced at the beginning of this year, but it seems like things are still moving in that direction.

Recently my husband went to the Doctor for some digestive issues he’s been having. He needs to go for more tests, and the Doctor thinks it’s something a simple surgery can take care of, but there is always the possibility of it being more….and the more is what scares me.

I think about the “what if” and it makes me mad. It’s all going back to not being able to do what I think God wants us to do, and it’s really shaking up my confidence.

I keep thinking about a quote I heard:

When things feel like they are falling apart, they are really just falling into place.

I have to believe that GOD is up to something! He is moving us forward, shifting around what needs to be shifted around.

I’m also praying that whatever my husband is going through – that it’s not serious. How wonderful it would be if it was easy to cure. I just want him here with me. I need him here with me. We have so many things to accomplish in order to further God’s Kingdom.

There have been just so many things happening lately – my confidence in God is truly fragile right now.

Prayer Request: If you all could please say a prayer for my husband’s health, I would so greatly appreciate it! Thank you!

I wanted to connect with someone. But who?

I mean I have three kids, and I had to pick up my husband from school. Lately, many of my days have been spent lying on the bed, crying, because I just want my husband home. But when he did come home it wasn’t what I wanted. I was still discontent with the loneliness I still felt.

Today at Bible Study we talked about emotions. I knew that once I arrived home, and I was feeling so anxious, I needed to figure out why I felt the way I felt.

Yes, I wanted to connect with someone. I love Bible Study BECAUSE I get to connect with other Christian moms on a spiritual level. I needed to connect with those around me more on a spiritual level.

But it’s difficult. Why? Why am I so uncomfortable with connecting with others (in real life) on a spiritual level. Why is it so uncomfortable to talk to my husband, my kids, about God? It must be them…or maybe it’s me.

It’s me. I’m afraid to talk to them. it’s easy to hide behind a computer and type out my thoughts, and not have to see the other persons face. I’m courageous, ready to be the person God wants me to be. I have no fear behind this computer.

I guard God like He is MY most prized POSSESSION. Although He is not mine to keep. God is about giving. Why do I hold onto to God, like if I let Him go He won’t come back. I know why, because I need Him. I rely on Him for everything!

I am forever, hopelessly, dependent on God. But when I hold on to Him so TIGHTLY it prevents me from receiving more of Him. God is so big, and so great, if we are going to grow and mature then we NEED to share Him with others. God cannot be contained. He’s too big for walls, a jar, a heart. Nothing can keep Him enclosed. God’s love has no boundaries.

When I hold onto Him with tightly closed fists…It’s not Him I’m holding on to. God can’t be held back. He has a plan, a mission.

The other night I had a dream that my daddy God went on to His mission – without me. I was devastated! He still called me, on a cell phone. But I was heart broken because I knew that my daddy was going to stay there, oh so far away from me, that I would never see Him again. Unless I went there too. He still would tell me how much He loved me. But that was where He needed to be.

In the dream there was another person, in the form of my mother. She was with me. I believe she represented the Holy Spirit. God never left me. The Holy Spirit was with me. But I had a choice to make. Will I go where my daddy was or stay right where I was. I decided to go. When I got there I met with the Holy Spirit again, and she cried! She was over joyed that I was there.

Will I go where God needs me? Will I stop holding onto Him like He is my possession. God is not anyone’s possession.

I am HIS possession, not the other way around. I don’t have to hang onto Him, because He is hanging onto ME!

I was reading one of my personal journals awhile back, and I found the entry where I wrote “I think God wants us to have another baby.” That was 3 years ago…

The “baby” hasn’t gone away. In all honesty I feel like EVERYTHING we are going through right now is due to this “baby!”

Recently I started a Bible Study at my church and my prayer before the Bible Study was that mine and my husbands heart become aligned with God’s will for our life, and in particular, God’s will about “the baby.”

For so long my prayers have consisted of “Change my husbands heart.” or “God change MY HEART!” But neither of those prayers have been answered. Then my husband has been praying for his heart to change…I really just think we need to align our hearts with God’s will. I believe all of our hearts are in a different place right now.

But the desire to have another baby has not gone away, but I will say my desire for my husband and I to be on the same page as God is greater than the desire to have another baby. I still feel like it’s God’s will and I will learn to trust in Him.

But the last few weeks have been difficult. It’s been filled with a lot of trials. I refuse to blame anyone right now. It’s not what God would want. I think we all need to take ownership in the part we play in every situation.

But today has been difficult…and yet full of understanding and revelation from God. My prayer for now is to just know HOW to be the wife God wants me to be. There is certainly a change going on in our life, and even though change is difficult, it ALWAYS brings me hope.

Doors have been opening, and I just went through them knowing that what I would be asked to do isn’t something I am necessarily “good at.” But I went anyways because it was an invitation that seemed out of the blue and I had been praying for God to open up the doors.

Also I just started a Bible Study at Church, and honestly the book we are reading is a bit overwhleming. Not only do I not have a whole lot of time to add another Bible Study to my list of things to do, I don’t really care for the book. It’s different, and honestly it’s difficult for me to really relate to the style of writing. I think the book is definitely speaking truth, but in a different way than I would approach it. So it’s hard to relate to the book. But I committed myself to it because I really want to be apart of a Bible Study group at my Church.

I’ve thought about quitting both of these opportunities to serve the Lord and grow in my relationship with the Lord. It just seems so overwhelming, and I don’t really feel like *I* am gaining anything from them.

However I am at a point where I don’t think I’m trying to force anything when it comes to serving God, I’m trying to wait and see. I want to be still and serve without wishing to receive anything in return. If this is what God has brought to me, if this is the door He has opened, I want to go through it with an open heart.

But I have to be honest, there are moments when I have no idea what God is up to, and I just show up. I show up because I know God wants me there, but I don’t know why He wants me there. I am at a point where I want to serve God even if I am scared, or don’t feel like serving Him. This is when I need to just go because God says go. This is where my life is at right now. I go because He says go.

• I live because He says live.
• I serve because He says serve.
• I write because He says write.
• I speak because He says speak.
• I shut up because He says be quiet.
• I say sorry because He says I should.
• I forgive because He says He can’t hear my prayers through my un-forgiveness.

I do because He says do. I show up because that’s where He wants me to go. Even thought my heart may not be in it, and deep down inside I might be wishing I could be somewhere else, I show up. Sometimes obedience requires you to just show up, and then everything else will flow from that obedience. Obedience doesn’t always feel good, nor do we desire to obey all the time, but God promises to bless those who obey Him.

So my advice to anyone who asks, would be: If you feel like God is calling you to do something, and you don’t really feel like doing it. Just do it. Just show up. Even if your heart’s not in it, God will see that you have put your “self” aside and obeyed Him simply because you love Him.

I think showing up is certainly an act of love towards God.

Today I was hit with some news that just seems like terrible timing, but before I could get all down and out about it, something came over me. All I could think of then was that it wasn’t bad timing…it’s perfect timing, God’s perfect timing!

I know that God is not out to get me. It’s amazing what we remember when we know that God has great plans for our family, I know He does. He has put so many desires and dreams in my heart, and I know they are HIS dreams for my family and I. All I can do right now is think about how all of this is God’s perfect timing. All these changes are moving this family forward to where He wants us to be.

This year is going to be the year miracles happen, and we truly see what God can do for us when we obey Him. I told my husband the other day, there is disobedience in this house and that the conflict we have been going through will not go away until we obey the Lord.

We have been saying we want to live a life for Christ, and yet we both have been stalling on moving forward with that commitment. Not to mention we haven’t been looking to God for everything. On certain things we’ve been hanging onto because we were afraid to let go.

But lately my husband and I have been really just forced into obedience. I hate to say forced, because honestly it’s what I want. I want to obey Him. Maybe God is just helping us align our lives with our hearts, because I know that my heart is wanting to serve Him more and more. I want my life to be about Him.

How do I know it’s God? Because everything that has happened to us within the last 4 months has been completely out of our control, and they haven’t been all bad things! There has been some amazing provision just within the past month that can only be described as a miracle, it was totally God and it was beyond what I had thought God could do. But He did it.

The bad things, for the most part, have been totally out of our control as well. We can’t control what other people do. We can’t prevent my husband from getting a pay cut, we have no control over this. We have no control over the transmission going out. We have no control over these things. We can’t control the weather. We can’t control a virus. I mean we can take every precaution, but unless we are willing to live in a bubble, life is going to happen to us. A lot of things beyond our control has been happening a lot for the past year!

It really makes you wonder what God is up to, but I know it’s Him because it has moved us forward, not only in our walk with Him, but also in our relationships. It has helped to grow this family. God has something big planned, I can feel it. He’s just working to move our lives forward. I just need to keep trusting in Him.

I will admit though, I’m afraid just a bit. I know God can do anything He wants. I’m just afraid. I’m afraid of what He will ask me to do. I’m afraid of what other bad things can happen. I’m afraid I will lose faith in Him, and therefore lose HIM. I’m afraid if I lose Him then I will have to learn how to live without Him again. I don’t want to lose God. I think that is my biggest fear, that something bad will happen and I won’t have the strength to deal with it and I will stop believing in Him, and His plan just won’t be clear to me anymore.

There are some things I just can’t explain or understand. Honestly those are the things I fear the most. I fear them because I feel like the one thing that could get me through, if God forbid something that bad ever did happen, I won’t have anymore.

I guess if there is one thing I do know, God is in control, and even though bad things may happen, He is the only one Who can get me through those difficult moments. I know that God is good all the time. It’s upsetting to know that so many people are suffering, but it’s good to know that the One who created the universe is there to help us through everything life throw our way.

I’ve been hanging onto many things that I know I should just let go, however I’m afraid to let them go. So many changes make me even more scared to just let this all go. I just don’t know how God can ask me to do certain things, but He does.

I really need prayer, and the strength to move forward with the Lord’s plans for my life. Thank you.

“God – What now?”

Seriously I need to stop thinking about the bigger picture – truly! I need to focus on what God has for me right now! Lately I have been feeling like a failure. My husband and I have come up with the conclusion I have failure issues, he has insecurity issues. So, what now?

Yes, January 1, 2010 is creeping up, and the stress of the upcoming year is really starting to freak me out. But you know what really sucks…the closer it gets the more I feel like no one is there for me!

I need prayer, too. My life is going crazy, too. I need a friend, too. But I’m surrounded by people who are having their own issues too, and it’s hard to think about what I’m going through. However I can’t forget that our family is going to NEED others to help us get through next year. So I need to ask “God what now?” Where do I go? Who do I look for?

But when I look at the now – guess what? I have an awesome family who IS there for me – actually we are there for each other because it seems that every single one of us is struggling with something.

My mom asked if I needed anything. She said she was praying for us. I told her that’s ALL I NEEDED – and you know it is. Prayer is what I need right now. I need a friend. I would love to have someone I can talk to. But it’s just not there.

So I just ask God – “what now?” So many things that I thought would be there forever are falling away. What now? I am confident You have a plan, I just can’t see it right now. I wish I could hear you better, God.