I’m not really sure if there is one problem right now. But it seems that there is some restlessness going on in our family lately.

Not just with me, but with my husband as well. Sometimes I wish I just knew what to do, but that’s not making itself apparent at all. I’m not really sure what God wants us to do.

I know that this year is definitely a year of changes. But I really think it is wearing down on my husband for sure. He has just been very stressed out, angry, discontent, and so much more. Which worries me because it is NOT like him.

If you met anyone who actually knew my husband then they would tell you he is laid back, patient, and just very mellow.

Part of me welcomes this new side of my husband, simply because his mellow side almost feels like apathy. It almost felt like he didn’t ever really care.

But now it does. He feels engaged with our life and he is taking more responsibility in leading this family. Which is what God wants, and I know that it needs to happen. It’s been a huge focus of ours, my husband taking up the leadership role in our home. It hasn’t been easy, especially for me. It requires a lot of trust on my part, and a lot of work and dedication on my husbands part.

He is still growing in His walk with the Lord ( who isn’t?) and sometimes he just doesn’t know WHAT to do.

Part of me thinks this is why I just don’t know what to do….I think it’s just time for my HUSBAND to seek out God’s Will, not me. I have ideas, and I make suggestions. But ultimately it’s my husband who needs to see what God wants for this family.

This is difficult for me. I’m just so use to receiving the revelation from God and moving our family in that direction. I’m finding it hard to just REST in my role as wife and mother. Wife being I am my husbands helper. Mother being I am my children’s teacher and nurturer.

On Monday I found peace in this role. Ever since then I have been trying to get it back.

I have so many ideas and a heart to further God’s Kingdom beyond my home. However I am not sure if it is God’s plans for me to do so. Life is just messy right now. We don’t really have a stable ground (and by stable ground I mean MONEY!) to stand on. Maybe that’s what the Bible is talking about when it comes to the foundation of sand. I guess money really isn’t a real foundation you can every really rely on.

Not really sure where any of this is going. But there has been a real problem here lately, and I’m having a very difficult time figuring out what that problem is!

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OK, so I confess, my confidence in God has been shaken. I never thought I’d say that.

It used to feel so good when we were blessed and I knew the blessing was there to stay. Or when I just KNEW what God had planned for our family, and it felt even better when I could see God moving us in that direction.

I use to be able to count on God’s blessings, and guidance. But after my husband found out information about his big pay cut this year, my confidence has truly been shaken.

I crave to hear His voice once again and know that it’s HIM. I want to know “What next God?” I want to be confident in Him again. I want to live my life like I use to, fearless of whatever comes my way, and confident in the Lord’s gifts and promises.

How can we go through this life without ever really having our confidence shaken? We know that trials will come our way. I guess my confidence has been shaken because everything I thought I had known to be unfolding didn’t seem possible with all that was happening in my life.

But then I sit here and see – it’s all moving forward. A lot of the things I wanted to do, but was afraid to do after the pay cut, we are still doing. But I still feel like one of the biggest moves for us is being threatened around every corner. It has been since last year. So many times I thought, this is it, it may NEVER happen.

I had feared that a new baby would never happen because of my husband’s wall he had up towards the whole situation, now that wall is down. I had feared that a new baby would never happen because of my personal health problems, but that was found to be a false alarm. I had feared that a new baby would never happen because of money, this huge set back we faced at the beginning of this year, but it seems like things are still moving in that direction.

Recently my husband went to the Doctor for some digestive issues he’s been having. He needs to go for more tests, and the Doctor thinks it’s something a simple surgery can take care of, but there is always the possibility of it being more….and the more is what scares me.

I think about the “what if” and it makes me mad. It’s all going back to not being able to do what I think God wants us to do, and it’s really shaking up my confidence.

I keep thinking about a quote I heard:

When things feel like they are falling apart, they are really just falling into place.

I have to believe that GOD is up to something! He is moving us forward, shifting around what needs to be shifted around.

I’m also praying that whatever my husband is going through – that it’s not serious. How wonderful it would be if it was easy to cure. I just want him here with me. I need him here with me. We have so many things to accomplish in order to further God’s Kingdom.

There have been just so many things happening lately – my confidence in God is truly fragile right now.

Prayer Request: If you all could please say a prayer for my husband’s health, I would so greatly appreciate it! Thank you!

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