I used to be a kind, caring, generous person. It was to the point that I was so pleased at how God truly had worked in my life.

But lately I have noticed a ton of selfishness, bitterness, hurt, and even a bit of depression. It has brought me so much confusion and not to mention pain. I can spend hours thinking about how this person hurt me, so I’m not going to help them. Or how I feel used so I’m going to hold back and not give anymore. Or I can truly let my bitterness keep me from supporting God’s will.

There have even been times lately where I have almost taken my hurt and used it to try and destroy God’s plan. Did I know it was God’s plan? No. Did I know that I was only acting out of hurt and pain? No. But I was.

I don’t like where my heart has been lately. It’s not me.

I have had to give up a lot of control lately, and maybe that’s where the problem all stemmed from. For the past year I have been feeling so fearful that I have been trying to control everything around me. How foolish of me to actually think I have that kind of power. But part of me really truly believed I could prevent certain things from happening, or that I could pray it away. I thought it was my job to make sure everyone stayed in line with what God wanted for their life, as if I actually knew what that was.

Thinking back on what may have caused this change in me, it’s really just an entire series of events that have left me feeling vulnerable that has left me with the bitterness and the urge to try and control everything. I’ve come back to the old me that tries to control everyone and everything because I’m simply afraid of losing control.

I am so thankful that I have a husband who puts up with me. Someone on Facebook wrote that the selfish ones, and those who are always caught up in the drama are the ones who get left alone. I thought I was past all that, but lately I have definitely been selfish and caught up in the drama made up in my mind….maybe that’s why I feel alone sometimes?

Whatever it is, I have found that giving up all control is the answer. If I don’t have something positive to say then I’m just going to take it to the Lord. I am going to make more of an effort to trust God, and trust my husband as the leader of this family, to guide us and show us His true will for our lives.

I need to do this. My heart is just not in the right place right now. I just pray for the Lord to intervene and give me my true heart back, and save me once again from the bitterness, anger, and fear I hold inside. – Amen.

Subscribe in a reader | Subscribe by Email | Follow Me on Twitter

I have to confess, I am a notebook junkie. If you ever run into me at my favorite store in the world (Target) you will probably find me going up and down the stationary aisle looking for the cutest notebook, or I may just be looking for a great deal on another notebook to add to my collection of…you guessed it notebooks!

For as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with how a pen feels against the paper as I write. I remember looking for a reason to write. I would write notes to my friends in school, or letters to relatives who lived far away. Or I would find a to do list to write out, and I would rewrite it until it was perfect.

I am careful about the kind of paper I buy, and I do have a favorite pen which I feel a bit giddy inside whenever I purchase a new package.

Even though I still love writing out my to do list countless times until it looks nice on the paper (no mistakes, and is has to be organized.) I have found my writing has become a lot more meaningful.

About four years ago my time with my pen and paper became my special moment with God. Thoughts would flow through my mind and onto my paper. It was how I processed what I was learning in the Bible, and I was learning a lot considering I was a fairly new follower.

Recently my desire, or urge, to do this type of learning or writing has come back. I look forward to the time I have with my pen, paper, and my Bible. It feels good to just have those moments where it’s just me, God, and my two friends (pen and paper.)

I don’t know, I think back to my past and think about how I have always had this built in passion for writing and for actually making a life of purpose. It just makes me think how God has always been at work in my life and He has always had a plan for me.

If you don’t believe in God, please just know this…in your heart I know you can feel a sense of purpose, like your life is meant for something bigger. Well guess what, it is. And the One who gave you this life, and your purpose is there with you even if you don’t believe in Him.

Like my 5 year old tells me: “God believes in you.”

You may not believe in God, but He does believe in you and He wants you to believe in Him. Finding your purpose in Christ will be the only purpose that fulfills that longing in you heart, and it will turn your healthy obsessions into something purposeful!

Subscribe in a reader | Subscribe by Email | Follow Me on Twitter