OK, so I confess, my confidence in God has been shaken. I never thought I’d say that.

It used to feel so good when we were blessed and I knew the blessing was there to stay. Or when I just KNEW what God had planned for our family, and it felt even better when I could see God moving us in that direction.

I use to be able to count on God’s blessings, and guidance. But after my husband found out information about his big pay cut this year, my confidence has truly been shaken.

I crave to hear His voice once again and know that it’s HIM. I want to know “What next God?” I want to be confident in Him again. I want to live my life like I use to, fearless of whatever comes my way, and confident in the Lord’s gifts and promises.

How can we go through this life without ever really having our confidence shaken? We know that trials will come our way. I guess my confidence has been shaken because everything I thought I had known to be unfolding didn’t seem possible with all that was happening in my life.

But then I sit here and see – it’s all moving forward. A lot of the things I wanted to do, but was afraid to do after the pay cut, we are still doing. But I still feel like one of the biggest moves for us is being threatened around every corner. It has been since last year. So many times I thought, this is it, it may NEVER happen.

I had feared that a new baby would never happen because of my husband’s wall he had up towards the whole situation, now that wall is down. I had feared that a new baby would never happen because of my personal health problems, but that was found to be a false alarm. I had feared that a new baby would never happen because of money, this huge set back we faced at the beginning of this year, but it seems like things are still moving in that direction.

Recently my husband went to the Doctor for some digestive issues he’s been having. He needs to go for more tests, and the Doctor thinks it’s something a simple surgery can take care of, but there is always the possibility of it being more….and the more is what scares me.

I think about the “what if” and it makes me mad. It’s all going back to not being able to do what I think God wants us to do, and it’s really shaking up my confidence.

I keep thinking about a quote I heard:

When things feel like they are falling apart, they are really just falling into place.

I have to believe that GOD is up to something! He is moving us forward, shifting around what needs to be shifted around.

I’m also praying that whatever my husband is going through – that it’s not serious. How wonderful it would be if it was easy to cure. I just want him here with me. I need him here with me. We have so many things to accomplish in order to further God’s Kingdom.

There have been just so many things happening lately – my confidence in God is truly fragile right now.

Prayer Request: If you all could please say a prayer for my husband’s health, I would so greatly appreciate it! Thank you!

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Today, like most other days, I felt very discontent, lonely. After my Thursday morning Bible Study, where I am always feel filled and ready to take on the day, I was ready to find somewhere to go. Maybe have lunch, go to a movie, something. I was so discontent with the idea of going home.

I wanted to connect with someone. But who?

I mean I have three kids, and I had to pick up my husband from school. Lately, many of my days have been spent lying on the bed, crying, because I just want my husband home. But when he did come home it wasn’t what I wanted. I was still discontent with the loneliness I still felt.

Today at Bible Study we talked about emotions. I knew that once I arrived home, and I was feeling so anxious, I needed to figure out why I felt the way I felt.

Yes, I wanted to connect with someone. I love Bible Study BECAUSE I get to connect with other Christian moms on a spiritual level. I needed to connect with those around me more on a spiritual level.

But it’s difficult. Why? Why am I so uncomfortable with connecting with others (in real life) on a spiritual level. Why is it so uncomfortable to talk to my husband, my kids, about God? It must be them…or maybe it’s me.

It’s me. I’m afraid to talk to them. it’s easy to hide behind a computer and type out my thoughts, and not have to see the other persons face. I’m courageous, ready to be the person God wants me to be. I have no fear behind this computer.

I guard God like He is MY most prized POSSESSION. Although He is not mine to keep. God is about giving. Why do I hold onto to God, like if I let Him go He won’t come back. I know why, because I need Him. I rely on Him for everything!

I am forever, hopelessly, dependent on God. But when I hold on to Him so TIGHTLY it prevents me from receiving more of Him. God is so big, and so great, if we are going to grow and mature then we NEED to share Him with others. God cannot be contained. He’s too big for walls, a jar, a heart. Nothing can keep Him enclosed. God’s love has no boundaries.

When I hold onto Him with tightly closed fists…It’s not Him I’m holding on to. God can’t be held back. He has a plan, a mission.

The other night I had a dream that my daddy God went on to His mission – without me. I was devastated! He still called me, on a cell phone. But I was heart broken because I knew that my daddy was going to stay there, oh so far away from me, that I would never see Him again. Unless I went there too. He still would tell me how much He loved me. But that was where He needed to be.

In the dream there was another person, in the form of my mother. She was with me. I believe she represented the Holy Spirit. God never left me. The Holy Spirit was with me. But I had a choice to make. Will I go where my daddy was or stay right where I was. I decided to go. When I got there I met with the Holy Spirit again, and she cried! She was over joyed that I was there.

Will I go where God needs me? Will I stop holding onto Him like He is my possession. God is not anyone’s possession.

I am HIS possession, not the other way around. I don’t have to hang onto Him, because He is hanging onto ME!

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