When we take on the control of our life we panic. There is so much room for jealousy, worry, anger, bitterness, resentment. I wonder if pastor’s get angry or jealous when another brother or sister in Christ plants a new church?

I will have to say, if this is the truth then the pastor who is jealous really isn’t concerned about the ultimate goal here, to share Christ with the world, they are really just worried about their self and their mission…

My eyes have been opened lately to the truth, and the truth is the body of Christ humility is lacking (I’m not excluded from this statement.) Pride is rampant within the body of Christ! I am now seeing what’s keeping us from Him, it’s our pride not our brokenness. If we can’t move past the pride then I feel we will never be able to reach the world for Christ.

This bothers me tremendously.

Brothers and sisters, pride is still a problem for us and if we can’t take down these walls then our light for Christ will never shine as bright as it could…

Humility

“Humility who?”

Humility came knocking on my door today, AGAIN! Wow, you’d think I’d have this humility thing down, but no. For some reason I think I can do something to make myself worthy, or capable. For some reason I feel like I need to prove something and show the world I am a good leader, wife, mother…

Humility. Honestly this is a word I thought I never really had problems with. Yeah, it’s hard to admit that to the world on a blog (yikes!) Pride. Oh, no not me. HA! Who am I fooling.

The truth is my heart is saturated with pride, and when I fall off my pedestal that I *think* God has put me on, I fall hard, and that’s when humility comes knocking at my door. You see humility makes you surrender, totally and completely. When you are blinded by pride, like I have been, you don’t see that you are trying to do everything yourself.

Honestly I’m not sure how to block the pride attacks. It gets embedded in me so quickly. I could feel it creeping in when I started that Leadership class and realized that I was nothing a leader should be, so then I decided I’m going to become those “things” and that began my demise…what was I going to become? I was going to become “worthy.”

OH boy, the efforts we make to become WORTHY, as soon as I felt like I had to become worthy that is when my heart started turning away from God again. Oh my pour soul, all I could think about was how I needed to do this, and I needed to do that. None of it was coming from a heart of obedience, it was coming from a heart of pride.

But here I am again today, crying out to God, telling Him I’m not THAT person. I’m not the leader He wants…and here I am again today, humbled by Him, knowing that even though I am not worthy of His calling, He has still called me.

Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me. Revelations 3:20

I guess that’s always been one of my weaknesses – success. The lure to be successful at something, to feel like I’ve actually accomplished something. I guess to have proof that I have accomplished something, living proof, like a piece of paper in my hands saying “I did this.” would be nice. Being a mom doesn’t always come with proof or a piece of paper saying you did well, or you did not do so well. It all will reveal itself in time, but even then once my children grow up, their life will be a reflection of the choices they make, and will not completely reflect the time and effort I have put forth to being their mother.

I see men everyday building their successes on the back of their woman. This is not something that is wrong, however to a woman this can become disheartening at times. I can’t imagine the wife whose husband went to school to become a doctor doesn’t feel as if her sacrifice was more than his, and yet she doesn’t get a piece of paper rewarding her for her sacrifice.

I know I felt this when my husband went to school. He didn’t become a doctor, but through the many days he spent at school, work, and studying, I began to feel as though my sacrifices would never be acknowledged.

Could it be that the measure of a woman’s success is by whatever her husband accomplishes in life? Behind a good man is a good woman for sure. I know that any man who is married and has been successful at anything certainly has a wife at home supporting him, making sacrifices for his success.

That’s what the Proverbs 31 wife is:

Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land. Proverbs 31:23

I’ve seen what a man can become without a wife, and I have seen what a man can become with a good wife.

I guess it’s OK to live in his shadow at times. My husband does acknowledge my sacrifices so that helps. But there are times when I just see so many woman making so many sacrifices and it just speaks to my heart.

I respect them, and I pray that their reward in this life is a husband who respects them and loves them. I pray that their children grow up and are blessed, because the sacrifices they make aren’t easy. They will never get a piece of paper acknowledging their success in this life, but hopefully the loyalty and admiration of their husband will be enough of a reward.

Just the other day the sting of wanting another baby was so very real. To be honest my heart is over the waiting, but with every step we take to move forward the waiting will always be a factor.

As for my husband being on board with the whole idea of a baby, his words are “God is moving us in that direction.” We recently put the cost of a vasectomy reversal on the “financial plan” which probably won’t happen any time soon. But at least it’s on the financial plan, which is a HUGE step further in the right direction. But it’s more waiting.

Once the vasectomy reversal is done, there will be more waiting, I am sure. All my online research is saying expect 1-2 years before everything is a GO. Well I know God is bigger than that and it will all happen according to HIS timing, but again waiting. Whether it happens in 1 month or 2 years, I will still have to wait, not knowing WHEN it’s going to happen. Then when it does happen, guess what, more waiting! I mean it takes 9 LONG MONTHS to grow a human being!

I’m not really sure why God gave me the heart and desire to go for this. I feel like it has been me fighting for another baby every step of the way. So many times I have wanted to give up, but I couldn’t. How can you give up fighting for another baby, especially if that’s what God has placed on your heart to do?

People deal with this every day. I guess I’m just not use to this. It still stings. But I will say this, a year ago I thought we were being shoved off a cliff and the possibility of having another child would NEVER happen. Well one year later and somehow God turned that cliff into a sky dive towards His plan and purpose, making it even more possible than it ever would have been before to have another baby. He did this in ONE year. I can only imagine what He will do with this next year.

One thing is for sure, He is certainly moving us in that direction, and I’m starting to get impatient. This usually happens when we are oh, so close to what He has planned for us.

But you know our feeling like an outcast is really based on the lifestyle we have chosen, and I have to admit a lot of the times I question whether or not this lifestyle is really the best lifestyle. But in all reality, we try to live our life the best way we know how in order to honor God. He has blessed us with so much, and we feel the desire to give back as much as we can.

God really does take care of us. This whole discontent with feeling like an outcast is really getting to me, because that’s exactly what it is, discontent. And it’s beginning to affect everyone in this house.

It’s hard to live a life where you are trying to honor God with your money, or commit to training up your children according to God’s word. There are so many times when I just want to walk into Target and buy everything to my heart’s desire. Everyday I wonder if homeschooling is really what’s right for our family, and for our kids. I dream of putting them on the school bus so that I can get 6 hours of peace every single day.

But I don’t believe that’s what God has called our family to do. So right now I am just praying through the discontentment. I am trying to be there for my husband, because frankly, I know how he feels. It can be overwhelming at times, and I need to do what he has done for me in the past…and that is make me realize at how blessed my life truly is and just keep moving forward with what God has called us to do.

It’s not easy, and we are surrounded by a world that doesn’t quite see things the way we see things. Sometimes I think we put the pressure on ourselves, but you now I’ve seen God come through for us so many times that it’s hard to turn away from it.

I firmly believe in the promises of scripture for those who fear the Lord. I want to live my life honoring God because I respect Him for Who He is, and that includes being obedient to the call He has placed on our family, and that includes whether or not it’s in line with how the rest of the world lives their life….even when we feel like an outcast…

For so long my husband and I have been having the same fight over, and over again. But yesterday I witnessed an amazing breakthrough, it has been something I have been praying over for quite some time now. It was hard working through each fight and only getting the same result. Often times the only thing I could do was pray about it because arguing about it never did any good.

Through a couple of rough weeks, we have had some major breakthroughs, and when I first realized what had happened my heart was filled with joy. Another prayer being answered. God is listening to me, and my husband IS changing. I am changing…or am I?

I find it so difficult to adapt to the changes. My husband is clearly a different person, God is working in his life everyday, and here I am unable to believe that. I can’t even believe it. I still see the old husband, and that is where I need to change. I need to stop assuming things are what they use to be when they are not.

But this adapting to the new isn’t something new for me. Often when I lose weight I get scared – I don’t know how to act or respond to these positive changes in my life. I’ve worked so hard at living with the negative.

The biggest fear I have about losing weight is the unknown of what it will feel like, or how am I going to act. Will I be different? I picture myself skinny, but depressed lying on the couch because I am not me anymore.

I hate change. But when it finally happens I am excited.

In the Bible is says that Jesus would heal the sick according the their belief in Him. I pray for the healing knowing that if it is in His will to heal it, He will. What a fool I am, the healing happens right before my eyes, and here I am clinging onto the old because I don’t know what the new will bring. I don’t doubt that the Lord can change a persons heart, I’ve seen it happen many, many times. Not to mention what He has done in MY life. But I find it hard to step into the new, and let the past go.

It’s some form of control. I’m tired of trying to control everything. I’m tired of being scared! I’m tired of thinking that everything is in my hands.

I just want to let it all go, and give it to God. But it’s just so hard to do…I keep reverting back to the trying to control everything so that I will be safe. But my salvation is in the Lord, not me.

But sometimes I wish I could wake up and not have a burden on my heart anymore. Sometimes I wish I could just be apart of a moms group where all we talk about is the latest trends, and that it would be satisfying. But it never has been satisfying, and I’m sure it never will be.

I’m sorry but cleaning house is boring to me. I love my kids, but play dates give me the creeps (I mean do you even realize how many germs are on those toys!)

I’ve just kind of taken the path of weirdness to some, a path that a lot of people have no desire to take. I homeschool my kid’s, we don’t do the tooth fairy, Santa Clause, or Halloween. We don’t have cable, and I don’t feel the overwhelming urge to buy the latest gadget around like the Wii or an Apple ipad. I don’t gossip, and even with that I have very few friends simply because TRUE friendship takes TIME and energy, and I put so much time and energy into building up my relationship with my husband, children, and family.

But there are times when I wish for normal. I would love to be able to walk around the mall spending all my money without having to think about how messed up this world is and how so many people are suffering. Sometimes I wish I could just enjoy my blessings and not worry about anybody else.

I use to have the normal life. Shallow friendships, a hurting marriage, went to the mall every week, cleaned my house everyday, play dates, meaningless conversations at mom’s night out with women I hardly even knew. My relationships were conditional.

At least I’m not alone and now I have Jesus on my side. Being a follower of Jesus to me means having a heart that’s burdened. Sometimes my burdened heart can lead me astray because I want to help everyone, but that’s not my job. My burdened heart can make me feel like what I’m doing isn’t enough, so I try to do more all the while losing my focus and drifting away from God’s purpose for my life.

It’s difficult. When you enter into this world with Jesus you see things differently and you can certainly be tempted to go back to normal. But I think the one thing we all need to remember is to have a little bit of fun.

For me that’s going on a date with my husband, or family night, oh how I love family night. You see what’s awesome about being weird, building up your relationships can also be fun. I get so much joy out of the positive moments with my husband, my kids, and my family. Sunday dinner at my mom’s house means more to me than a million rich influential friends.

Being weird isn’t always easy, and normal is always waiting around the corner trying to call me back over. But I was never happy being normal, my life is all about being weird, it’s about making every single moment matter. My time is so precious to me now. Being a follower of Jesus and having a heart that is burdened your time becomes more valuable and you start to live your life with more purpose.

When normal starts calling my name, really what it wants for me to do is get distracted, waste my time, and bring me to a place that I never want to be again…we aren’t normal and that’s OK with me.

But lately I have noticed a ton of selfishness, bitterness, hurt, and even a bit of depression. It has brought me so much confusion and not to mention pain. I can spend hours thinking about how this person hurt me, so I’m not going to help them. Or how I feel used so I’m going to hold back and not give anymore. Or I can truly let my bitterness keep me from supporting God’s will.

There have even been times lately where I have almost taken my hurt and used it to try and destroy God’s plan. Did I know it was God’s plan? No. Did I know that I was only acting out of hurt and pain? No. But I was.

I don’t like where my heart has been lately. It’s not me.

I have had to give up a lot of control lately, and maybe that’s where the problem all stemmed from. For the past year I have been feeling so fearful that I have been trying to control everything around me. How foolish of me to actually think I have that kind of power. But part of me really truly believed I could prevent certain things from happening, or that I could pray it away. I thought it was my job to make sure everyone stayed in line with what God wanted for their life, as if I actually knew what that was.

Thinking back on what may have caused this change in me, it’s really just an entire series of events that have left me feeling vulnerable that has left me with the bitterness and the urge to try and control everything. I’ve come back to the old me that tries to control everyone and everything because I’m simply afraid of losing control.

I am so thankful that I have a husband who puts up with me. Someone on Facebook wrote that the selfish ones, and those who are always caught up in the drama are the ones who get left alone. I thought I was past all that, but lately I have definitely been selfish and caught up in the drama made up in my mind….maybe that’s why I feel alone sometimes?

Whatever it is, I have found that giving up all control is the answer. If I don’t have something positive to say then I’m just going to take it to the Lord. I am going to make more of an effort to trust God, and trust my husband as the leader of this family, to guide us and show us His true will for our lives.

I need to do this. My heart is just not in the right place right now. I just pray for the Lord to intervene and give me my true heart back, and save me once again from the bitterness, anger, and fear I hold inside. – Amen.

For as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with how a pen feels against the paper as I write. I remember looking for a reason to write. I would write notes to my friends in school, or letters to relatives who lived far away. Or I would find a to do list to write out, and I would rewrite it until it was perfect.

I am careful about the kind of paper I buy, and I do have a favorite pen which I feel a bit giddy inside whenever I purchase a new package.

Even though I still love writing out my to do list countless times until it looks nice on the paper (no mistakes, and is has to be organized.) I have found my writing has become a lot more meaningful.

About four years ago my time with my pen and paper became my special moment with God. Thoughts would flow through my mind and onto my paper. It was how I processed what I was learning in the Bible, and I was learning a lot considering I was a fairly new follower.

Recently my desire, or urge, to do this type of learning or writing has come back. I look forward to the time I have with my pen, paper, and my Bible. It feels good to just have those moments where it’s just me, God, and my two friends (pen and paper.)

I don’t know, I think back to my past and think about how I have always had this built in passion for writing and for actually making a life of purpose. It just makes me think how God has always been at work in my life and He has always had a plan for me.

If you don’t believe in God, please just know this…in your heart I know you can feel a sense of purpose, like your life is meant for something bigger. Well guess what, it is. And the One who gave you this life, and your purpose is there with you even if you don’t believe in Him.

Like my 5 year old tells me: “God believes in you.”

You may not believe in God, but He does believe in you and He wants you to believe in Him. Finding your purpose in Christ will be the only purpose that fulfills that longing in you heart, and it will turn your healthy obsessions into something purposeful!

However for some reason I can see the open doors but I’m not motivated to walk through them. It’s like God is literally showing us the way to go, and yet I am not willing to go there. I can see Him waiting for me and all I can do is look at Him and say “I’m scared.” or “I don’t FEEL like it.”

Can you imagine saying these things to GOD?

I honestly feel like such an idiot. How can I do this. I know that God understands though. He has to understand. Some of the things He wants us to do IS scary, and exhausting, not to mention stressful.

They require some sacrifice too, which I have been struggling with. I’m beginning to realize that this life isn’t just about my enjoyment, and in order to follow God and His will for my life it requires a great deal of sacrifice on my part. It’s called taking up your cross.

You know I often complain that there are too many “no’s” in the Christian faith and I DO struggle with this, but you know when I sit back and think about Jesus and the sacrifice He made for ME and YOU I just simply sit back and shut my mouth.

I don’t think God is trying to throw anything in my face, and I don’t feel like He is annoyed with me. Honestly I see a God who is a bit discouraged. Of course He can see all the beauty that will come from our sacrifice, and I can see it a bit too, however oddly enough that doesn’t motivate me.

What motivates me?

The desire to obey the Lord. I know what life holds when we are disobedient to God and His word. I know what my life was before I knew the Lord. All the blessings in the world will never motivate me more than the sheer desire to serve Him, and the fear I have in the Lord.

Yes, I do fear the Lord and I don’t think that is a bad thing. He is GOD. He can, and one day will, destroy this world for HIS glory and to further HIS kingdom. We can deny this all we want. But GOD is GOD, and I do fear Him. But I also know out of my fear comes obedience, and God offers MANY promises to those who fear Him – in other words those who RESPECT Him and OBEY His word.

I’m not motivated by shiny things, because the shiny things will one day go away. But I am motivated by my fear in the Lord. I respect Him and want to show my respect by obeying His word and moving forward, with His guidance, to the place He wants me to be.

What motivates you?