I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like I live in the shadow of my husband. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband very much, but there are times when I would love to go out and be the one doing school, working, and reaching for success.

I guess that’s always been one of my weaknesses – success. The lure to be successful at something, to feel like I’ve actually accomplished something. I guess to have proof that I have accomplished something, living proof, like a piece of paper in my hands saying “I did this.” would be nice. Being a mom doesn’t always come with proof or a piece of paper saying you did well, or you did not do so well. It all will reveal itself in time, but even then once my children grow up, their life will be a reflection of the choices they make, and will not completely reflect the time and effort I have put forth to being their mother.

I see men everyday building their successes on the back of their woman. This is not something that is wrong, however to a woman this can become disheartening at times. I can’t imagine the wife whose husband went to school to become a doctor doesn’t feel as if her sacrifice was more than his, and yet she doesn’t get a piece of paper rewarding her for her sacrifice.

I know I felt this when my husband went to school. He didn’t become a doctor, but through the many days he spent at school, work, and studying, I began to feel as though my sacrifices would never be acknowledged.

Could it be that the measure of a woman’s success is by whatever her husband accomplishes in life? Behind a good man is a good woman for sure. I know that any man who is married and has been successful at anything certainly has a wife at home supporting him, making sacrifices for his success.

That’s what the Proverbs 31 wife is:

Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land. Proverbs 31:23

I’ve seen what a man can become without a wife, and I have seen what a man can become with a good wife.

I guess it’s OK to live in his shadow at times. My husband does acknowledge my sacrifices so that helps. But there are times when I just see so many woman making so many sacrifices and it just speaks to my heart.

I respect them, and I pray that their reward in this life is a husband who respects them and loves them. I pray that their children grow up and are blessed, because the sacrifices they make aren’t easy. They will never get a piece of paper acknowledging their success in this life, but hopefully the loyalty and admiration of their husband will be enough of a reward.

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I never thought this blog would turn into my journey to have another baby, but it really kind of has.

Just the other day the sting of wanting another baby was so very real. To be honest my heart is over the waiting, but with every step we take to move forward the waiting will always be a factor.

As for my husband being on board with the whole idea of a baby, his words are “God is moving us in that direction.” We recently put the cost of a vasectomy reversal on the “financial plan” which probably won’t happen any time soon. But at least it’s on the financial plan, which is a HUGE step further in the right direction. But it’s more waiting.

Once the vasectomy reversal is done, there will be more waiting, I am sure. All my online research is saying expect 1-2 years before everything is a GO. Well I know God is bigger than that and it will all happen according to HIS timing, but again waiting. Whether it happens in 1 month or 2 years, I will still have to wait, not knowing WHEN it’s going to happen. Then when it does happen, guess what, more waiting! I mean it takes 9 LONG MONTHS to grow a human being!

I’m not really sure why God gave me the heart and desire to go for this. I feel like it has been me fighting for another baby every step of the way. So many times I have wanted to give up, but I couldn’t. How can you give up fighting for another baby, especially if that’s what God has placed on your heart to do?

People deal with this every day. I guess I’m just not use to this. It still stings. But I will say this, a year ago I thought we were being shoved off a cliff and the possibility of having another child would NEVER happen. Well one year later and somehow God turned that cliff into a sky dive towards His plan and purpose, making it even more possible than it ever would have been before to have another baby. He did this in ONE year. I can only imagine what He will do with this next year.

One thing is for sure, He is certainly moving us in that direction, and I’m starting to get impatient. This usually happens when we are oh, so close to what He has planned for us.

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