Not too long ago I wrote about how sometimes “normal” tries to lure me back. But when I wrote the post I didn’t even know that my husband was having a bit of the same feelings. He recently told me he was getting tired of feeling like an outcast.

But you know our feeling like an outcast is really based on the lifestyle we have chosen, and I have to admit a lot of the times I question whether or not this lifestyle is really the best lifestyle. But in all reality, we try to live our life the best way we know how in order to honor God. He has blessed us with so much, and we feel the desire to give back as much as we can.

God really does take care of us. This whole discontent with feeling like an outcast is really getting to me, because that’s exactly what it is, discontent. And it’s beginning to affect everyone in this house.

It’s hard to live a life where you are trying to honor God with your money, or commit to training up your children according to God’s word. There are so many times when I just want to walk into Target and buy everything to my heart’s desire. Everyday I wonder if homeschooling is really what’s right for our family, and for our kids. I dream of putting them on the school bus so that I can get 6 hours of peace every single day.

But I don’t believe that’s what God has called our family to do. So right now I am just praying through the discontentment. I am trying to be there for my husband, because frankly, I know how he feels. It can be overwhelming at times, and I need to do what he has done for me in the past…and that is make me realize at how blessed my life truly is and just keep moving forward with what God has called us to do.

It’s not easy, and we are surrounded by a world that doesn’t quite see things the way we see things. Sometimes I think we put the pressure on ourselves, but you now I’ve seen God come through for us so many times that it’s hard to turn away from it.

I firmly believe in the promises of scripture for those who fear the Lord. I want to live my life honoring God because I respect Him for Who He is, and that includes being obedient to the call He has placed on our family, and that includes whether or not it’s in line with how the rest of the world lives their life….even when we feel like an outcast…

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Sometimes I wonder if the hardest part of praying and hoping for change is waiting for it, or adapting when change (healing) takes place.

For so long my husband and I have been having the same fight over, and over again. But yesterday I witnessed an amazing breakthrough, it has been something I have been praying over for quite some time now. It was hard working through each fight and only getting the same result. Often times the only thing I could do was pray about it because arguing about it never did any good.

Through a couple of rough weeks, we have had some major breakthroughs, and when I first realized what had happened my heart was filled with joy. Another prayer being answered. God is listening to me, and my husband IS changing. I am changing…or am I?

I find it so difficult to adapt to the changes. My husband is clearly a different person, God is working in his life everyday, and here I am unable to believe that. I can’t even believe it. I still see the old husband, and that is where I need to change. I need to stop assuming things are what they use to be when they are not.

But this adapting to the new isn’t something new for me. Often when I lose weight I get scared – I don’t know how to act or respond to these positive changes in my life. I’ve worked so hard at living with the negative.

The biggest fear I have about losing weight is the unknown of what it will feel like, or how am I going to act. Will I be different? I picture myself skinny, but depressed lying on the couch because I am not me anymore.

I hate change. But when it finally happens I am excited.

In the Bible is says that Jesus would heal the sick according the their belief in Him. I pray for the healing knowing that if it is in His will to heal it, He will. What a fool I am, the healing happens right before my eyes, and here I am clinging onto the old because I don’t know what the new will bring. I don’t doubt that the Lord can change a persons heart, I’ve seen it happen many, many times. Not to mention what He has done in MY life. But I find it hard to step into the new, and let the past go.

It’s some form of control. I’m tired of trying to control everything. I’m tired of being scared! I’m tired of thinking that everything is in my hands.

I just want to let it all go, and give it to God. But it’s just so hard to do…I keep reverting back to the trying to control everything so that I will be safe. But my salvation is in the Lord, not me.

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