…”Who’s there?”

Humility

“Humility who?”

Humility came knocking on my door today, AGAIN! Wow, you’d think I’d have this humility thing down, but no. For some reason I think I can do something to make myself worthy, or capable. For some reason I feel like I need to prove something and show the world I am a good leader, wife, mother…

Humility. Honestly this is a word I thought I never really had problems with. Yeah, it’s hard to admit that to the world on a blog (yikes!) Pride. Oh, no not me. HA! Who am I fooling.

The truth is my heart is saturated with pride, and when I fall off my pedestal that I *think* God has put me on, I fall hard, and that’s when humility comes knocking at my door. You see humility makes you surrender, totally and completely. When you are blinded by pride, like I have been, you don’t see that you are trying to do everything yourself.

Honestly I’m not sure how to block the pride attacks. It gets embedded in me so quickly. I could feel it creeping in when I started that Leadership class and realized that I was nothing a leader should be, so then I decided I’m going to become those “things” and that began my demise…what was I going to become? I was going to become “worthy.”

OH boy, the efforts we make to become WORTHY, as soon as I felt like I had to become worthy that is when my heart started turning away from God again. Oh my pour soul, all I could think about was how I needed to do this, and I needed to do that. None of it was coming from a heart of obedience, it was coming from a heart of pride.

But here I am again today, crying out to God, telling Him I’m not THAT person. I’m not the leader He wants…and here I am again today, humbled by Him, knowing that even though I am not worthy of His calling, He has still called me.

Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me. Revelations 3:20

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Yesterday I took a “leadership” type inventory to see what type of leader I am. It’s all apart of a class I am taking on leadership. One area stood out by ONE point and that was “inspire” – I can definitely see this as true, especially in my home and what I do online. I definitely have a vision for the future and often where our family goes was first inspired by the vision I had for our family. So I can definitely say the inventory was correct in that, inspire is how I lead.

However the thing that stood out to me the most was that all of my results were charted on a graph and I was placed into a “percentile” (lovely) to show where I “measured” up. This is why I HATE these survey’s, or tests. They like to put you in a pool of people and compare you to them. Where is the individuality? Basically the consensus was I clearly had a weak area, but all the other areas were kind of mediocre. I was average in just about everything, and if I wasn’t average I was below average, HA!

This is bothersome to me because I had been feeling like I’m not really GOOD at anything, and mediocre is my way of life. It’s discouraging. I want to be able to focus on God and His call, and I want to be good at it in a way that He created me to be, in my own unique way. It’s frustrating when you have so many responsibilities and very little progress in moving forward.

One thing I did gather from this is inspire was my highest, even though it was only by one point, and I know it to be true, maybe it’s time to focus on improving that area. I plan to get some books to help bring it out more, and another things I gathered from this is to surround myself with people who make up for my weaknesses, or mediocrity, lol!

Right now it’s about being intentional. Even though this stamp of mediocrity had been placed on my heart, I can now work to improve in the areas that I am gifted in, it’s just a matter of knowing what that area is, and now I know…

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