Today, like most other days, I felt very discontent, lonely. After my Thursday morning Bible Study, where I am always feel filled and ready to take on the day, I was ready to find somewhere to go. Maybe have lunch, go to a movie, something. I was so discontent with the idea of going home.

I wanted to connect with someone. But who?

I mean I have three kids, and I had to pick up my husband from school. Lately, many of my days have been spent lying on the bed, crying, because I just want my husband home. But when he did come home it wasn’t what I wanted. I was still discontent with the loneliness I still felt.

Today at Bible Study we talked about emotions. I knew that once I arrived home, and I was feeling so anxious, I needed to figure out why I felt the way I felt.

Yes, I wanted to connect with someone. I love Bible Study BECAUSE I get to connect with other Christian moms on a spiritual level. I needed to connect with those around me more on a spiritual level.

But it’s difficult. Why? Why am I so uncomfortable with connecting with others (in real life) on a spiritual level. Why is it so uncomfortable to talk to my husband, my kids, about God? It must be them…or maybe it’s me.

It’s me. I’m afraid to talk to them. it’s easy to hide behind a computer and type out my thoughts, and not have to see the other persons face. I’m courageous, ready to be the person God wants me to be. I have no fear behind this computer.

I guard God like He is MY most prized POSSESSION. Although He is not mine to keep. God is about giving. Why do I hold onto to God, like if I let Him go He won’t come back. I know why, because I need Him. I rely on Him for everything!

I am forever, hopelessly, dependent on God. But when I hold on to Him so TIGHTLY it prevents me from receiving more of Him. God is so big, and so great, if we are going to grow and mature then we NEED to share Him with others. God cannot be contained. He’s too big for walls, a jar, a heart. Nothing can keep Him enclosed. God’s love has no boundaries.

When I hold onto Him with tightly closed fists…It’s not Him I’m holding on to. God can’t be held back. He has a plan, a mission.

The other night I had a dream that my daddy God went on to His mission – without me. I was devastated! He still called me, on a cell phone. But I was heart broken because I knew that my daddy was going to stay there, oh so far away from me, that I would never see Him again. Unless I went there too. He still would tell me how much He loved me. But that was where He needed to be.

In the dream there was another person, in the form of my mother. She was with me. I believe she represented the Holy Spirit. God never left me. The Holy Spirit was with me. But I had a choice to make. Will I go where my daddy was or stay right where I was. I decided to go. When I got there I met with the Holy Spirit again, and she cried! She was over joyed that I was there.

Will I go where God needs me? Will I stop holding onto Him like He is my possession. God is not anyone’s possession.

I am HIS possession, not the other way around. I don’t have to hang onto Him, because He is hanging onto ME!

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So that’s what I feel God keep on telling me. The other day I was reading a blog and they had a list of writing tips, and one of them was to write, ALL THE TIME.

That hit me, write all the time. You know that doesn’t make me feel too overwhelmed. I LOVE to write, and I have no problem with God telling me to “just write.” But you know, writing, doesn’t pay the bills.

What I’m mostly scared of: I will have to find a job and I won’t be able to stay home with my kids and homeschool them.

I want to be a stay at home mom, and I really feel like God has truly called us to homeschool our kiddos. I know it was God, because it certainly wasn’t anything *I* would have even considered.

You notice how God calls us to do things we wouldn’t normally do? Yeah, that’s the story of my life, haha!

So that’s what I feel like God is just calling me to do – just right – all the time. Or whenever I get the chance. And it helps to write whenever I get the chance. There is so much floating around in this brain of mine, that writing is a bit of a sanctuary and a way for me to get these thoughts out so I can focus on my other responsibilities.

So writing it is,and I will trust for God to provide. So far, so good. No one is starving yet, and our bills are paid, so I guess that’s a good start.

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