Humility

“Humility who?”

Humility came knocking on my door today, AGAIN! Wow, you’d think I’d have this humility thing down, but no. For some reason I think I can do something to make myself worthy, or capable. For some reason I feel like I need to prove something and show the world I am a good leader, wife, mother…

Humility. Honestly this is a word I thought I never really had problems with. Yeah, it’s hard to admit that to the world on a blog (yikes!) Pride. Oh, no not me. HA! Who am I fooling.

The truth is my heart is saturated with pride, and when I fall off my pedestal that I *think* God has put me on, I fall hard, and that’s when humility comes knocking at my door. You see humility makes you surrender, totally and completely. When you are blinded by pride, like I have been, you don’t see that you are trying to do everything yourself.

Honestly I’m not sure how to block the pride attacks. It gets embedded in me so quickly. I could feel it creeping in when I started that Leadership class and realized that I was nothing a leader should be, so then I decided I’m going to become those “things” and that began my demise…what was I going to become? I was going to become “worthy.”

OH boy, the efforts we make to become WORTHY, as soon as I felt like I had to become worthy that is when my heart started turning away from God again. Oh my pour soul, all I could think about was how I needed to do this, and I needed to do that. None of it was coming from a heart of obedience, it was coming from a heart of pride.

But here I am again today, crying out to God, telling Him I’m not THAT person. I’m not the leader He wants…and here I am again today, humbled by Him, knowing that even though I am not worthy of His calling, He has still called me.

Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me. Revelations 3:20

However the thing that stood out to me the most was that all of my results were charted on a graph and I was placed into a “percentile” (lovely) to show where I “measured” up. This is why I HATE these survey’s, or tests. They like to put you in a pool of people and compare you to them. Where is the individuality? Basically the consensus was I clearly had a weak area, but all the other areas were kind of mediocre. I was average in just about everything, and if I wasn’t average I was below average, HA!

This is bothersome to me because I had been feeling like I’m not really GOOD at anything, and mediocre is my way of life. It’s discouraging. I want to be able to focus on God and His call, and I want to be good at it in a way that He created me to be, in my own unique way. It’s frustrating when you have so many responsibilities and very little progress in moving forward.

One thing I did gather from this is inspire was my highest, even though it was only by one point, and I know it to be true, maybe it’s time to focus on improving that area. I plan to get some books to help bring it out more, and another things I gathered from this is to surround myself with people who make up for my weaknesses, or mediocrity, lol!

Right now it’s about being intentional. Even though this stamp of mediocrity had been placed on my heart, I can now work to improve in the areas that I am gifted in, it’s just a matter of knowing what that area is, and now I know…

So I’m faced with the dilemma again, I thought I had already come to terms with my commitment to what I am doing right now. I’m committed to God, my husband, family, & ministry. But you know what? I’m tired of having to keep on proving that. I’m tired of having to fight, fight, fight for what I know is true and believe in.

Why is there so much resistance? I’m tired of the resistance. Whenever I am met with resistance I really need to evaluate how much I am committed to this ministry, but right now it’s difficult to fight for it. I just want to cave. I just want to give up, again.

Even in the resistance God always sends His still small voice. Of course all the other LOUDER, negative, voices drown His out, but He is still there. Oh how sweet it is to hear my own husband say “Keep doing what you are doing.” The times when I do have my doubts I think on what my husband says, and I know those words are a gift from God.

Sweet, encouraging words. That is where my focus needs to be.

I’m not going to give up this time, I have already made up my mind around that. I just need to stay focused on the sweet encouraging words that God sends my way through His precious servants!

So much has happened, it’s difficult to cover everything. God has certainly been showing Himself, supporting, and encouraging me. However lately I will admit, it hasn’t been enough for me. Which is silly, but right now I am struggling with anger.

You see there are a lot of critics out there, and a lot of times I can see where they are coming from, and I do have compassion for them. I can often relate to what they are going through because I have been there myself. However what I don’t understand is the hateful and critical words being spoken to me without them even knowing ME.

In ministry when these words are spoken to me I feel like what I do sacrifice isn’t good enough, and that’s where the anger comes in. I think about all the time I spend away from my kids, how much my husband works to support us, and all the work I have to do in order to make the ministry what it is, and I do it out of the sheer desire to serve God. Nobody is getting rich off of this, I do get fulfillment out of what is produced and the encouraging words from others. But that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t rather just be a mom, and sometimes that is what I wish for, especially when people make certain comments or when rejection comes.

I am on a mission for God, but it makes me ANGRY when people make negative remarks because I feel like it belittles all that I do. There is probably a bit of resentment there, too. Lord knows I don’t want to resent this ministry. But the Lord also knows that my passion for it is dwindling so very fast, simply because of occasional comments and mean words.

That’s another thing that frustrates me, the negative is a very small fraction of the positive. But the negative is ALL I see. Why can’t the positive be good enough? Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m not good enough?

It’s a tricky world out there. You can’t please everyone, and I’m so frustrated because I know this but I still wish I could. I know the truth, but something inside my heart is holding me back from embracing that truth, and I’m not sure what that is…

For as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with how a pen feels against the paper as I write. I remember looking for a reason to write. I would write notes to my friends in school, or letters to relatives who lived far away. Or I would find a to do list to write out, and I would rewrite it until it was perfect.

I am careful about the kind of paper I buy, and I do have a favorite pen which I feel a bit giddy inside whenever I purchase a new package.

Even though I still love writing out my to do list countless times until it looks nice on the paper (no mistakes, and is has to be organized.) I have found my writing has become a lot more meaningful.

About four years ago my time with my pen and paper became my special moment with God. Thoughts would flow through my mind and onto my paper. It was how I processed what I was learning in the Bible, and I was learning a lot considering I was a fairly new follower.

Recently my desire, or urge, to do this type of learning or writing has come back. I look forward to the time I have with my pen, paper, and my Bible. It feels good to just have those moments where it’s just me, God, and my two friends (pen and paper.)

I don’t know, I think back to my past and think about how I have always had this built in passion for writing and for actually making a life of purpose. It just makes me think how God has always been at work in my life and He has always had a plan for me.

If you don’t believe in God, please just know this…in your heart I know you can feel a sense of purpose, like your life is meant for something bigger. Well guess what, it is. And the One who gave you this life, and your purpose is there with you even if you don’t believe in Him.

Like my 5 year old tells me: “God believes in you.”

You may not believe in God, but He does believe in you and He wants you to believe in Him. Finding your purpose in Christ will be the only purpose that fulfills that longing in you heart, and it will turn your healthy obsessions into something purposeful!

However for some reason I can see the open doors but I’m not motivated to walk through them. It’s like God is literally showing us the way to go, and yet I am not willing to go there. I can see Him waiting for me and all I can do is look at Him and say “I’m scared.” or “I don’t FEEL like it.”

Can you imagine saying these things to GOD?

I honestly feel like such an idiot. How can I do this. I know that God understands though. He has to understand. Some of the things He wants us to do IS scary, and exhausting, not to mention stressful.

They require some sacrifice too, which I have been struggling with. I’m beginning to realize that this life isn’t just about my enjoyment, and in order to follow God and His will for my life it requires a great deal of sacrifice on my part. It’s called taking up your cross.

You know I often complain that there are too many “no’s” in the Christian faith and I DO struggle with this, but you know when I sit back and think about Jesus and the sacrifice He made for ME and YOU I just simply sit back and shut my mouth.

I don’t think God is trying to throw anything in my face, and I don’t feel like He is annoyed with me. Honestly I see a God who is a bit discouraged. Of course He can see all the beauty that will come from our sacrifice, and I can see it a bit too, however oddly enough that doesn’t motivate me.

What motivates me?

The desire to obey the Lord. I know what life holds when we are disobedient to God and His word. I know what my life was before I knew the Lord. All the blessings in the world will never motivate me more than the sheer desire to serve Him, and the fear I have in the Lord.

Yes, I do fear the Lord and I don’t think that is a bad thing. He is GOD. He can, and one day will, destroy this world for HIS glory and to further HIS kingdom. We can deny this all we want. But GOD is GOD, and I do fear Him. But I also know out of my fear comes obedience, and God offers MANY promises to those who fear Him – in other words those who RESPECT Him and OBEY His word.

I’m not motivated by shiny things, because the shiny things will one day go away. But I am motivated by my fear in the Lord. I respect Him and want to show my respect by obeying His word and moving forward, with His guidance, to the place He wants me to be.

What motivates you?

I wanted to connect with someone. But who?

I mean I have three kids, and I had to pick up my husband from school. Lately, many of my days have been spent lying on the bed, crying, because I just want my husband home. But when he did come home it wasn’t what I wanted. I was still discontent with the loneliness I still felt.

Today at Bible Study we talked about emotions. I knew that once I arrived home, and I was feeling so anxious, I needed to figure out why I felt the way I felt.

Yes, I wanted to connect with someone. I love Bible Study BECAUSE I get to connect with other Christian moms on a spiritual level. I needed to connect with those around me more on a spiritual level.

But it’s difficult. Why? Why am I so uncomfortable with connecting with others (in real life) on a spiritual level. Why is it so uncomfortable to talk to my husband, my kids, about God? It must be them…or maybe it’s me.

It’s me. I’m afraid to talk to them. it’s easy to hide behind a computer and type out my thoughts, and not have to see the other persons face. I’m courageous, ready to be the person God wants me to be. I have no fear behind this computer.

I guard God like He is MY most prized POSSESSION. Although He is not mine to keep. God is about giving. Why do I hold onto to God, like if I let Him go He won’t come back. I know why, because I need Him. I rely on Him for everything!

I am forever, hopelessly, dependent on God. But when I hold on to Him so TIGHTLY it prevents me from receiving more of Him. God is so big, and so great, if we are going to grow and mature then we NEED to share Him with others. God cannot be contained. He’s too big for walls, a jar, a heart. Nothing can keep Him enclosed. God’s love has no boundaries.

When I hold onto Him with tightly closed fists…It’s not Him I’m holding on to. God can’t be held back. He has a plan, a mission.

The other night I had a dream that my daddy God went on to His mission – without me. I was devastated! He still called me, on a cell phone. But I was heart broken because I knew that my daddy was going to stay there, oh so far away from me, that I would never see Him again. Unless I went there too. He still would tell me how much He loved me. But that was where He needed to be.

In the dream there was another person, in the form of my mother. She was with me. I believe she represented the Holy Spirit. God never left me. The Holy Spirit was with me. But I had a choice to make. Will I go where my daddy was or stay right where I was. I decided to go. When I got there I met with the Holy Spirit again, and she cried! She was over joyed that I was there.

Will I go where God needs me? Will I stop holding onto Him like He is my possession. God is not anyone’s possession.

I am HIS possession, not the other way around. I don’t have to hang onto Him, because He is hanging onto ME!

That hit me, write all the time. You know that doesn’t make me feel too overwhelmed. I LOVE to write, and I have no problem with God telling me to “just write.” But you know, writing, doesn’t pay the bills.

What I’m mostly scared of: I will have to find a job and I won’t be able to stay home with my kids and homeschool them.

I want to be a stay at home mom, and I really feel like God has truly called us to homeschool our kiddos. I know it was God, because it certainly wasn’t anything *I* would have even considered.

You notice how God calls us to do things we wouldn’t normally do? Yeah, that’s the story of my life, haha!

So that’s what I feel like God is just calling me to do – just right – all the time. Or whenever I get the chance. And it helps to write whenever I get the chance. There is so much floating around in this brain of mine, that writing is a bit of a sanctuary and a way for me to get these thoughts out so I can focus on my other responsibilities.

So writing it is,and I will trust for God to provide. So far, so good. No one is starving yet, and our bills are paid, so I guess that’s a good start.

Lately I have been working more on furthering my ministry online which includes being in the Word daily and posting Bible Studies. For some reason I have been making up excuses, or just blatantly ignoring this task. It’s as if I have been avoiding God.

This has me asking, why? Why am I avoiding God? First I go to my life and see if I am harboring any sin, and I don’t think I am, at least none that I know of. Except for maybe the lack of patience and the anger that I deal with on a daily basis. But these two things are nothing new! I deal with them everyday, and God knows that – He helps me deal with my impatience and anger.

So what else could it be?

Well I really think it could be one of two things, or possible even both.

1.) I have been feeling overwhelmed with life. Everything in my life seems to be “breaking” – literally.

My heart – broken.
My dreams – broken.
My water heater – broken.
My Lawn Mower – broken.
My couch and love seat – broken.
My 4 year old’s right arm – broken.
The lamp in my living room – broken.
My chairs for my too small of a table for our family – breaking (literally on it’s last leg – pun intended!)

What is God trying to tell me, I have no idea. But it certainly is overwhelming. I’m tired of things breaking! If God wants ME to be broken, then I’m really not sure what needs to be broken?

2.) I’m scared. I’m scared that what I say or how I think and feel isn’t good enough. Even though when I DO sit down to spend time with the Lord I feel His spirit come right alongside me. I just start writing, and the thoughts just start flowing. I truly believe this is what God wants me to do, but I am just so scared. I don’t want to say the wrong thing, or mislead anyone. I’m afraid I will make a mistake, so I feel like if I hide behind a wall then I won’t make any mistakes.

I DO trust God. So that’s why I don’t think this is the ONLY reason why I am avoiding Him. Whenever I do go to Him He is always there.

I dislike avoiding God. It puts an uneasiness within me that is difficult to explain. Maybe God is trying to tell me something – something I don’t want to hear so I’m just ignoring Him.

I thought I had done what He has wanted me to do, but now I’m not so sure. IF I am the one He’s trying to break then I guess I better try and listen to as to what it is He wants me to break from my life, because I honestly have no idea what that is. But my guess is that’s what God is trying to show me.

There is something in my life that’s not quite right. It’s keeping me from God’s purpose for my life. I need to listen to Him even if it’s going to hurt a little.

Even though I moved away from trying to work in full time ministry, I still feel like it was necessary. If not necessary then God definitely used the situation to move me in the right direction.

Right now I’m back on the mission of working towards full time ministry. I am also in the process of writing a book. Although I haven’t added much to the book lately, I have some pages written out. I’m very excited about it and I plan to self publish unless God opens another door somehow.

My goal was to finish writing the book by the end of this summer. But right now I am working on clearing up my design queue so I can focus more on working on the ministry God has laid upon my heart. I’m almost done with the designs, and I haven’t taken on any new designs except for a few odds and ends here and there.

I have just been busy trying to build up a readership base, since I plan to self publish it would hopefully help give me some kind of platform to launch my book. This is exciting stuff!

Life has been good, going and moving right along. I’m really working to listen to God and move in the direction I feel He would like for me to move. It’s something I have to work on everyday. Sometimes the current day is all I can really focus on. It certainly can be too overwhelming to focus on the future.

Just taking it one step at a time….that’s all we really can do, right?