Do you ever have those moments when you just avoid God? When I’m avoiding God I make up excuses not to read His word, or to type up devotionals I have sitting in my notebook (like I’m doing right now!)

Lately I have been working more on furthering my ministry online which includes being in the Word daily and posting Bible Studies. For some reason I have been making up excuses, or just blatantly ignoring this task. It’s as if I have been avoiding God.

This has me asking, why? Why am I avoiding God? First I go to my life and see if I am harboring any sin, and I don’t think I am, at least none that I know of. Except for maybe the lack of patience and the anger that I deal with on a daily basis. But these two things are nothing new! I deal with them everyday, and God knows that – He helps me deal with my impatience and anger.

So what else could it be?

Well I really think it could be one of two things, or possible even both.

1.) I have been feeling overwhelmed with life. Everything in my life seems to be “breaking” – literally.

My heart – broken.
My dreams – broken.
My water heater – broken.
My Lawn Mower – broken.
My couch and love seat – broken.
My 4 year old’s right arm – broken.
The lamp in my living room – broken.
My chairs for my too small of a table for our family – breaking (literally on it’s last leg – pun intended!)

What is God trying to tell me, I have no idea. But it certainly is overwhelming. I’m tired of things breaking! If God wants ME to be broken, then I’m really not sure what needs to be broken?

2.) I’m scared. I’m scared that what I say or how I think and feel isn’t good enough. Even though when I DO sit down to spend time with the Lord I feel His spirit come right alongside me. I just start writing, and the thoughts just start flowing. I truly believe this is what God wants me to do, but I am just so scared. I don’t want to say the wrong thing, or mislead anyone. I’m afraid I will make a mistake, so I feel like if I hide behind a wall then I won’t make any mistakes.

I DO trust God. So that’s why I don’t think this is the ONLY reason why I am avoiding Him. Whenever I do go to Him He is always there.

I dislike avoiding God. It puts an uneasiness within me that is difficult to explain. Maybe God is trying to tell me something – something I don’t want to hear so I’m just ignoring Him.

I thought I had done what He has wanted me to do, but now I’m not so sure. IF I am the one He’s trying to break then I guess I better try and listen to as to what it is He wants me to break from my life, because I honestly have no idea what that is. But my guess is that’s what God is trying to show me.

There is something in my life that’s not quite right. It’s keeping me from God’s purpose for my life. I need to listen to Him even if it’s going to hurt a little.

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So when I first started this blog TWO years ago I wanted to journal what it was like to be a mom trying to start an online ministry. Eventually I closed up the ministry I had originally started, and honestly I don’t regret that move one bit.

Even though I moved away from trying to work in full time ministry, I still feel like it was necessary. If not necessary then God definitely used the situation to move me in the right direction.

Right now I’m back on the mission of working towards full time ministry. I am also in the process of writing a book. Although I haven’t added much to the book lately, I have some pages written out. I’m very excited about it and I plan to self publish unless God opens another door somehow.

My goal was to finish writing the book by the end of this summer. But right now I am working on clearing up my design queue so I can focus more on working on the ministry God has laid upon my heart. I’m almost done with the designs, and I haven’t taken on any new designs except for a few odds and ends here and there.

I have just been busy trying to build up a readership base, since I plan to self publish it would hopefully help give me some kind of platform to launch my book. This is exciting stuff!

Life has been good, going and moving right along. I’m really working to listen to God and move in the direction I feel He would like for me to move. It’s something I have to work on everyday. Sometimes the current day is all I can really focus on. It certainly can be too overwhelming to focus on the future.

Just taking it one step at a time….that’s all we really can do, right?

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