Just the other day the sting of wanting another baby was so very real. To be honest my heart is over the waiting, but with every step we take to move forward the waiting will always be a factor.

As for my husband being on board with the whole idea of a baby, his words are “God is moving us in that direction.” We recently put the cost of a vasectomy reversal on the “financial plan” which probably won’t happen any time soon. But at least it’s on the financial plan, which is a HUGE step further in the right direction. But it’s more waiting.

Once the vasectomy reversal is done, there will be more waiting, I am sure. All my online research is saying expect 1-2 years before everything is a GO. Well I know God is bigger than that and it will all happen according to HIS timing, but again waiting. Whether it happens in 1 month or 2 years, I will still have to wait, not knowing WHEN it’s going to happen. Then when it does happen, guess what, more waiting! I mean it takes 9 LONG MONTHS to grow a human being!

I’m not really sure why God gave me the heart and desire to go for this. I feel like it has been me fighting for another baby every step of the way. So many times I have wanted to give up, but I couldn’t. How can you give up fighting for another baby, especially if that’s what God has placed on your heart to do?

People deal with this every day. I guess I’m just not use to this. It still stings. But I will say this, a year ago I thought we were being shoved off a cliff and the possibility of having another child would NEVER happen. Well one year later and somehow God turned that cliff into a sky dive towards His plan and purpose, making it even more possible than it ever would have been before to have another baby. He did this in ONE year. I can only imagine what He will do with this next year.

One thing is for sure, He is certainly moving us in that direction, and I’m starting to get impatient. This usually happens when we are oh, so close to what He has planned for us.

For so long my husband and I have been having the same fight over, and over again. But yesterday I witnessed an amazing breakthrough, it has been something I have been praying over for quite some time now. It was hard working through each fight and only getting the same result. Often times the only thing I could do was pray about it because arguing about it never did any good.

Through a couple of rough weeks, we have had some major breakthroughs, and when I first realized what had happened my heart was filled with joy. Another prayer being answered. God is listening to me, and my husband IS changing. I am changing…or am I?

I find it so difficult to adapt to the changes. My husband is clearly a different person, God is working in his life everyday, and here I am unable to believe that. I can’t even believe it. I still see the old husband, and that is where I need to change. I need to stop assuming things are what they use to be when they are not.

But this adapting to the new isn’t something new for me. Often when I lose weight I get scared – I don’t know how to act or respond to these positive changes in my life. I’ve worked so hard at living with the negative.

The biggest fear I have about losing weight is the unknown of what it will feel like, or how am I going to act. Will I be different? I picture myself skinny, but depressed lying on the couch because I am not me anymore.

I hate change. But when it finally happens I am excited.

In the Bible is says that Jesus would heal the sick according the their belief in Him. I pray for the healing knowing that if it is in His will to heal it, He will. What a fool I am, the healing happens right before my eyes, and here I am clinging onto the old because I don’t know what the new will bring. I don’t doubt that the Lord can change a persons heart, I’ve seen it happen many, many times. Not to mention what He has done in MY life. But I find it hard to step into the new, and let the past go.

It’s some form of control. I’m tired of trying to control everything. I’m tired of being scared! I’m tired of thinking that everything is in my hands.

I just want to let it all go, and give it to God. But it’s just so hard to do…I keep reverting back to the trying to control everything so that I will be safe. But my salvation is in the Lord, not me.

But when I look at them I wonder WHO – with the gift of evangelism – will come into their life and show them another way. Even with those that I have been able to talk to about you, still have their own views. They still haven’t really made any changes, that I can see, to move towards you.

They may talk and say they know you, and they believe in you. But their life says something else. I try and remember that I have not arrived, and that where I am in my relationship with You has been 5 years in the making. I just wish they knew You now. I just wish I knew of a way to bring you up in conversations. How to just express you thoughts to them.

I pray that one day they will know you, I mean REALLY KNOW You. Not just know about You, but that they have a deeply gratifying relationship with You. Everyone’s journey is different. How can I know that they are moving towards You? It makes me so sad to see so many of them hurting. They may not think they are hurting, but I can tell that they are simply by what they do with their life.

I feel like a failure because I can’t reach out to them. Part of me doesn’t even want to be around them. And I know that’s not the solution. But I think being around them reminds me of failure I feel because I don’t know what to say to them, or how to treat them. I want to love them, but sometimes that is even a difficult task because I’m so frustrated with watching them not even TRY.

It just feels so overwhleming right now, because it just seems like it is effecting my entire family. What’s even more painful is it’s happening to the family members who I thought were believers. But it seems as if they are just getting further and further away from You.

Lord Jesus I just pray for them. Change them, come into their heart and show them Your love and the life you have planned for them. Give them the motivation to do what is necessary – to TRY – and live a life that is pleasing to You. Give me the words to say, Lord. Show me what to do.

I pray this all in your might name – Amen!