Yesterday I took a “leadership” type inventory to see what type of leader I am. It’s all apart of a class I am taking on leadership. One area stood out by ONE point and that was “inspire” – I can definitely see this as true, especially in my home and what I do online. I definitely have a vision for the future and often where our family goes was first inspired by the vision I had for our family. So I can definitely say the inventory was correct in that, inspire is how I lead.

However the thing that stood out to me the most was that all of my results were charted on a graph and I was placed into a “percentile” (lovely) to show where I “measured” up. This is why I HATE these survey’s, or tests. They like to put you in a pool of people and compare you to them. Where is the individuality? Basically the consensus was I clearly had a weak area, but all the other areas were kind of mediocre. I was average in just about everything, and if I wasn’t average I was below average, HA!

This is bothersome to me because I had been feeling like I’m not really GOOD at anything, and mediocre is my way of life. It’s discouraging. I want to be able to focus on God and His call, and I want to be good at it in a way that He created me to be, in my own unique way. It’s frustrating when you have so many responsibilities and very little progress in moving forward.

One thing I did gather from this is inspire was my highest, even though it was only by one point, and I know it to be true, maybe it’s time to focus on improving that area. I plan to get some books to help bring it out more, and another things I gathered from this is to surround myself with people who make up for my weaknesses, or mediocrity, lol!

Right now it’s about being intentional. Even though this stamp of mediocrity had been placed on my heart, I can now work to improve in the areas that I am gifted in, it’s just a matter of knowing what that area is, and now I know…

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I gave up once before. When I first started blogging I had given God a year to bring forth fruit within the ministry I had started, 30 days later I gave it all up. It wasn’t what I had originally planned on doing, and it wasn’t meeting up with my personal goals. So I quit in order to focus on something that did meet my personal goals, however to my surprise it wasn’t really the answer.

So I’m faced with the dilemma again, I thought I had already come to terms with my commitment to what I am doing right now. I’m committed to God, my husband, family, & ministry. But you know what? I’m tired of having to keep on proving that. I’m tired of having to fight, fight, fight for what I know is true and believe in.

Why is there so much resistance? I’m tired of the resistance. Whenever I am met with resistance I really need to evaluate how much I am committed to this ministry, but right now it’s difficult to fight for it. I just want to cave. I just want to give up, again.

Even in the resistance God always sends His still small voice. Of course all the other LOUDER, negative, voices drown His out, but He is still there. Oh how sweet it is to hear my own husband say “Keep doing what you are doing.” The times when I do have my doubts I think on what my husband says, and I know those words are a gift from God.

Sweet, encouraging words. That is where my focus needs to be.

I’m not going to give up this time, I have already made up my mind around that. I just need to stay focused on the sweet encouraging words that God sends my way through His precious servants!

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