So I never really thought that my 11 year old would be begin her journey to become her own person so soon. But out of total desperation for some answers on why it feels like every single bit of parenting technique I have tried with her doesn’t work, and why she seems to become more and more disrespectful each and every day and why she STILL lies after being grounded all. the. time. I learned that the teen years is all about trying to become your own person and disconnecting yourself from your parents.

Honestly when I read this I felt a bit of relief because it kind of meant I’m not this horrible mother who has no idea what she is doing! I’m NOT A FAILURE – w00t! Not to mention I had been feeling this urge to let go of her more and more, and just let her learn from her mistakes and let God do HIS work in her life.

With this I have been praying and crying a whole lot more. So often I forget that this time is precious and that I am raising adults. Our kids aren’t designed to be our children forever, and honestly I want my baby girl to grow up. That’s one thing that has been on my mind, she needs to grow up. Maybe I’ve sheltered her too much, but I only do this because I SO DESPERATELY want to protect her. But I can see now how God can work through and help to grow us through some of the hardest times in our life. I will be the first one to admit, my oldest (or any of my children) haven’t really had to endure too much adversity.

I mean sure there life isn’t perfect, but I know so many other children (not to mention my childhood) have a life that is FILLED with adversity. I’m not saying that a life FILLED with adversity is the answer, but I will say that some stress DOES help to develop our immature minds.

This mom thing is tough stuff. And really it just seems to be getting harder and harder, and yet I feel more peace. I am learning to just let go and let God when it comes to my children.

With the teen years just around the corner (she will be 12 years old in just a few short weeks and she has ALWAYS been one to develop ahead of schedule!) I’m feeling a bit frustrated and insecure in what life has in store. I also have a few regrets. I regret not taking this parenting thing so seriously when she was younger. Oh how many opportunities I have missed out on developing a relationship with her. But I didn’t know better back then, and of course my two younger ones will reap the benefits of me learning from my mistakes.

But my heart aches for my “baby girl.” I just want her to know that I love her, and I want her to feel like she can talk to me.

Why is it that as parents we work so HARD at being the mom or dad who has it all together. We vow to do everything we wish our parents had done for us, and yet we still haven’t got it all together. We still fail? How can that be?

As my Baby Girls birthday approaches I can feel this sense of moving into a new chapter in the parenting book. During all of this it just pushes me to continue on being a mom who is always learning. I want my kids to know that I love them, but most of all, what burdens my heart the most is I want them to KNOW JESUS.

I want them to have a heart that is FOR Him and a life that is meant to glorify HIM. That is the greatest burden on my heart, and with 3 kids, that burden can become overwhelming at times. Simply because there really is no formula on what I can do to help guide them in that direction because it’s not completely up to me. It’s up to God. All I can do is PRAY, continue in growing MY relationship with the Lord, and let God move in their little heart’s. That’s really all I can do…

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You know I’m beginning to think that I:

1. Think too much.
2. I question too much.

The days have seemed a lot more complicated lately. I wonder, and wonder what God is doing, and what He has planned. I question should I be doing this…or that with my life?

When something goes wrong, I try and figure out why it went wrong and what lesson I’m suppose to be learning from it.

You know, for some reason I think and act like the fate of this world is teetering on whatever decision I need to make next. I’m afraid to make the wrong decision. I just want to get it all right, and I want to be doing everything God wants me to do.

This is all wrong in so many ways. I am not a god. I really need to stop acting like I am one. It’s time for me to once again climb down from my pedestal and stop TRYING to be every thing to every one.

The only thing is I can’t find the balance between trying to do too much, and not doing enough. Especially when it comes to moving forward. If I’m not constantly pondering every little move I make, then I usually get comfortable and don’t move at all.

I really would like the peace that comes with seeing where everything is going from here. You know about a 18 months ago I was thinking about how our life had come to a stand still – no real change in any direction. Then I started really thinking we should make some changes, BIG changes. We made some, and it seems like that first step towards change has truly rocked our world. It’s made it not so boring anymore.

I’m just wondering how do you enjoy life when you have no idea where it is going? My focus needs to remain on God, but for some reason I think I’m just trying to cling to Him rather than do anything else. It kind of reminds me of being a child riding their first roller coaster, being so scared you just bury your face in your daddy’s arm because you are just so scared to look. But at the last minute you open your eyes and you have the most fun ever, then at the end you want to go on the ride AGAIN!

I can sit here and say I don’t really know what God wants me to do, but I’m not sure that would be entirely true. I think I have an idea of what He wants, but most of all I feel Him calling me to especially communicate more with my husband. I really think He’s not revealing everything to me because He wants me to turn to my husband, and He wants us to move forward together.

That’s one thing I do know about God’s will for my life. He wants me to join forces with my husband in order to walk through this life. SO you see I guess I DO know what God wants me to do, but I’m just so scared to do it I just want to bury my face into His arm until the ride is over…

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