Wow, it’s been awhile since I’ve written on this blog. I’ve been gone way too long!

So much has happened, it’s difficult to cover everything. God has certainly been showing Himself, supporting, and encouraging me. However lately I will admit, it hasn’t been enough for me. Which is silly, but right now I am struggling with anger.

You see there are a lot of critics out there, and a lot of times I can see where they are coming from, and I do have compassion for them. I can often relate to what they are going through because I have been there myself. However what I don’t understand is the hateful and critical words being spoken to me without them even knowing ME.

In ministry when these words are spoken to me I feel like what I do sacrifice isn’t good enough, and that’s where the anger comes in. I think about all the time I spend away from my kids, how much my husband works to support us, and all the work I have to do in order to make the ministry what it is, and I do it out of the sheer desire to serve God. Nobody is getting rich off of this, I do get fulfillment out of what is produced and the encouraging words from others. But that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t rather just be a mom, and sometimes that is what I wish for, especially when people make certain comments or when rejection comes.

I am on a mission for God, but it makes me ANGRY when people make negative remarks because I feel like it belittles all that I do. There is probably a bit of resentment there, too. Lord knows I don’t want to resent this ministry. But the Lord also knows that my passion for it is dwindling so very fast, simply because of occasional comments and mean words.

That’s another thing that frustrates me, the negative is a very small fraction of the positive. But the negative is ALL I see. Why can’t the positive be good enough? Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m not good enough?

It’s a tricky world out there. You can’t please everyone, and I’m so frustrated because I know this but I still wish I could. I know the truth, but something inside my heart is holding me back from embracing that truth, and I’m not sure what that is…

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I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like I live in the shadow of my husband. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband very much, but there are times when I would love to go out and be the one doing school, working, and reaching for success.

I guess that’s always been one of my weaknesses – success. The lure to be successful at something, to feel like I’ve actually accomplished something. I guess to have proof that I have accomplished something, living proof, like a piece of paper in my hands saying “I did this.” would be nice. Being a mom doesn’t always come with proof or a piece of paper saying you did well, or you did not do so well. It all will reveal itself in time, but even then once my children grow up, their life will be a reflection of the choices they make, and will not completely reflect the time and effort I have put forth to being their mother.

I see men everyday building their successes on the back of their woman. This is not something that is wrong, however to a woman this can become disheartening at times. I can’t imagine the wife whose husband went to school to become a doctor doesn’t feel as if her sacrifice was more than his, and yet she doesn’t get a piece of paper rewarding her for her sacrifice.

I know I felt this when my husband went to school. He didn’t become a doctor, but through the many days he spent at school, work, and studying, I began to feel as though my sacrifices would never be acknowledged.

Could it be that the measure of a woman’s success is by whatever her husband accomplishes in life? Behind a good man is a good woman for sure. I know that any man who is married and has been successful at anything certainly has a wife at home supporting him, making sacrifices for his success.

That’s what the Proverbs 31 wife is:

Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land. Proverbs 31:23

I’ve seen what a man can become without a wife, and I have seen what a man can become with a good wife.

I guess it’s OK to live in his shadow at times. My husband does acknowledge my sacrifices so that helps. But there are times when I just see so many woman making so many sacrifices and it just speaks to my heart.

I respect them, and I pray that their reward in this life is a husband who respects them and loves them. I pray that their children grow up and are blessed, because the sacrifices they make aren’t easy. They will never get a piece of paper acknowledging their success in this life, but hopefully the loyalty and admiration of their husband will be enough of a reward.

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