I’ll admit, there are times in my life where I wish I could go back to not having a burden on my shoulder’s. About 5 years ago God started in on my heart. Ministry…that’s what He was doing to my heart.

But sometimes I wish I could wake up and not have a burden on my heart anymore. Sometimes I wish I could just be apart of a moms group where all we talk about is the latest trends, and that it would be satisfying. But it never has been satisfying, and I’m sure it never will be.

I’m sorry but cleaning house is boring to me. I love my kids, but play dates give me the creeps (I mean do you even realize how many germs are on those toys!)

I’ve just kind of taken the path of weirdness to some, a path that a lot of people have no desire to take. I homeschool my kid’s, we don’t do the tooth fairy, Santa Clause, or Halloween. We don’t have cable, and I don’t feel the overwhelming urge to buy the latest gadget around like the Wii or an Apple ipad. I don’t gossip, and even with that I have very few friends simply because TRUE friendship takes TIME and energy, and I put so much time and energy into building up my relationship with my husband, children, and family.

But there are times when I wish for normal. I would love to be able to walk around the mall spending all my money without having to think about how messed up this world is and how so many people are suffering. Sometimes I wish I could just enjoy my blessings and not worry about anybody else.

I use to have the normal life. Shallow friendships, a hurting marriage, went to the mall every week, cleaned my house everyday, play dates, meaningless conversations at mom’s night out with women I hardly even knew. My relationships were conditional.

At least I’m not alone and now I have Jesus on my side. Being a follower of Jesus to me means having a heart that’s burdened. Sometimes my burdened heart can lead me astray because I want to help everyone, but that’s not my job. My burdened heart can make me feel like what I’m doing isn’t enough, so I try to do more all the while losing my focus and drifting away from God’s purpose for my life.

It’s difficult. When you enter into this world with Jesus you see things differently and you can certainly be tempted to go back to normal. But I think the one thing we all need to remember is to have a little bit of fun.

For me that’s going on a date with my husband, or family night, oh how I love family night. You see what’s awesome about being weird, building up your relationships can also be fun. I get so much joy out of the positive moments with my husband, my kids, and my family. Sunday dinner at my mom’s house means more to me than a million rich influential friends.

Being weird isn’t always easy, and normal is always waiting around the corner trying to call me back over. But I was never happy being normal, my life is all about being weird, it’s about making every single moment matter. My time is so precious to me now. Being a follower of Jesus and having a heart that is burdened your time becomes more valuable and you start to live your life with more purpose.

When normal starts calling my name, really what it wants for me to do is get distracted, waste my time, and bring me to a place that I never want to be again…we aren’t normal and that’s OK with me.

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I used to be a kind, caring, generous person. It was to the point that I was so pleased at how God truly had worked in my life.

But lately I have noticed a ton of selfishness, bitterness, hurt, and even a bit of depression. It has brought me so much confusion and not to mention pain. I can spend hours thinking about how this person hurt me, so I’m not going to help them. Or how I feel used so I’m going to hold back and not give anymore. Or I can truly let my bitterness keep me from supporting God’s will.

There have even been times lately where I have almost taken my hurt and used it to try and destroy God’s plan. Did I know it was God’s plan? No. Did I know that I was only acting out of hurt and pain? No. But I was.

I don’t like where my heart has been lately. It’s not me.

I have had to give up a lot of control lately, and maybe that’s where the problem all stemmed from. For the past year I have been feeling so fearful that I have been trying to control everything around me. How foolish of me to actually think I have that kind of power. But part of me really truly believed I could prevent certain things from happening, or that I could pray it away. I thought it was my job to make sure everyone stayed in line with what God wanted for their life, as if I actually knew what that was.

Thinking back on what may have caused this change in me, it’s really just an entire series of events that have left me feeling vulnerable that has left me with the bitterness and the urge to try and control everything. I’ve come back to the old me that tries to control everyone and everything because I’m simply afraid of losing control.

I am so thankful that I have a husband who puts up with me. Someone on Facebook wrote that the selfish ones, and those who are always caught up in the drama are the ones who get left alone. I thought I was past all that, but lately I have definitely been selfish and caught up in the drama made up in my mind….maybe that’s why I feel alone sometimes?

Whatever it is, I have found that giving up all control is the answer. If I don’t have something positive to say then I’m just going to take it to the Lord. I am going to make more of an effort to trust God, and trust my husband as the leader of this family, to guide us and show us His true will for our lives.

I need to do this. My heart is just not in the right place right now. I just pray for the Lord to intervene and give me my true heart back, and save me once again from the bitterness, anger, and fear I hold inside. – Amen.

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